Bach Talk

Mike Brown Faces Tremendous Coaching Challenge Of Having The NBA's Other Best Player On His Team Again

2011-05-25T17:02:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, please forgive the look of surprise, that's just something that is innately transfixed upon Mr. Mike Brown's face on the sideline. After a year serving as an assistant football coach for 8th graders in Ohio (yes, we know that's the exact plot of Ice Cube's eye gouge inducing travesty "The Longshots), Mike Brown has returned from the land of the coaching dead. And not only did he return, he returned stronger than ever, landing a 4 year, 18.25 million deal to become Phil Jackson's successor in Los Angeles.

Brown, perhaps best known for his vacant stares and 60 win regular seasons, was never thought of as a great coach in his tenure in Cleveland. However, he will now have the chance to show L.A. exactly what he's got when he inherits an average roster that features top 2 NBA player and pro gay PSA star Kobe Bryant, perenial All-Star and throat beard grower Pau Gasol, budding center and cheap shot specialist Andrew Bynum, and E! television maintstay/forward Lamar Odom.

An interesting subplot to pay attention to in 2011-2012, well other than whether or not Kobe is responsible for Pau's fiancee dumping him will be how Bryant reacts to Brown after openly recommending and supporting Lakers assistant Brian Shaw for the position. Former Cavaliers star Lebron James maintained a rather peaceful relationship with Brown, outside of Lebron Bumpgate Part 1, so it will be interesting to track how Mamba and Mike mesh together.

As for Cleveland's devout support of Brown and his regular season successes? Eh, not so much, as displayed by the Official Mike Brown hate thread. For all those trying to remember what Mike's criticisms were other than excessively trendy eyewear and his inability to call plays in meaningful moments, this might help as a refresher.

Botaoshi Is The Next Big Thing In Sports No One Will Ever Care About But Should

2011-05-19T15:56:00.001-04:00

Here's an idea. Roger Goodell, Jerry Jones, and the other suit wearing NFL douche bags at one pole. Adrian Peterson, Ray Lewis, and the people that make the league worth watching at one pole. If the execs can keep their pole erect (sex joke) for more than 30 seconds, then they can ruin my life and keep the NFL locked out as long as their greedy, unathletic selves want. It's okay. Fantasy football isn't the reason I wake up every Morning from September to January anyway.

Actually, scratch that idea. Botaoshi is everything great about sports and embodies everything you'd want from a sport that no one will ever care about. So why change that winning formula? A bunch of crazy Japanese guys running like Godzilla is on the horizon. Intensity that makes "Braveheart" feel bad about itself. More shirts being ripped off than a 90's Baywatch commercial. Wearing head diapers that make leatherhead helmets look good. I'm not talking about the George Clooney movie. Literally nothing could have made that movie remotely bearable.

Pound for pound, this could be one of the best live sports you could possibly attend. The rules are simple (having your pole at a 30 degree angle for 3 seconds ends it), the gameplay is quick and hard hitting (most games last 2-3 minutes), and the revelry is like the Kentucky Derby (minus horses, sundresses, or beautiful women in large hats).

And oh yes, my personal favorite: 1:50 in. Stood up. Hard.

Spud Webb Proves Hanging Out With D-League Players Hasn't Affected Him

2011-05-19T15:54:00.002-04:00

This is Spud Webb THEN...

This is Spud Webb NOW...

Guys that haven't even dreamed of dunking a basketball are all over poor Spud on YouTube. Oh, this is fake. This isn't real. He ran in way too slow to elevate like that. Well, yeah, it's not real. You know what wasn't real? Avatar wasn't real and you all really liked that. Give him a break, he's like 49 years old and 5'5 in some penny loafers. Give the little man respect, but don't ever respect Michael Jordan's outfit in that video. I'm 6'5, played college basketball just a year ago, and regularly go to the gym. And I can barely dunk anymore. Yeah, I'm white, so lay off me.

Spud, who is currently the President of Operations for the NBA D-League's Texas Legends, got his job through something known as Game Proven, which is the reason this free marketing video was created. Upon further research, Game Proven is a website dedicated to finding business executive positions for current and former athletes. Through GP, NBA stars are able to experience the realism of being average human beings again while feeling the embarrassment of their mediocrity in the business world.

Welcome to our world, Spud. How's it taste?

Lebron Could Net Nike 4 Billion Dollars...Head Cold And All

2011-05-19T15:52:00.001-04:00

With the win last night in Chicago, evening the series at 1-1, the Miami Heat inched closer to their first NBA title since 2005-2006. Only 7 wins stand between Lebron James and Co. winning their first championship while arguably holding the title of most hated team of all time. Apparently though, China hasn't gotten that memo as James has given Nike reason to believe he will bring them roughly 4 billion in sales a year over the next decade.

Because the rapture would likely come a day earlier than anticipated (settle all your scores before May 21st people) without an obligatory Lebron James story, so here it is. Yesterday, ESPN reporter and sneakily hot Rachel Nichols reported that Lebron had the sniffles heading into Game 2. Upon listening to the report, I immediately threw up in my mouth that Lebron would be awarded "warrior" status if the Heat were able to win Game 2, all while under the influence of the best Dayquill 711 has to offer.

Pause for a moment to ponder your thoughts on Rachel Nichols. Sometime around 2009, I was watching ESPN and decided Nichols was hot. I texted my best friend for SMS verification and he concurred. She's just got the "there's something about her, that I can't quite put my finger on" factor. Disagree if you want, just know you're wrong.

Regardless, if Lebron's 29 point sniffly performance doesn't scream, Michael Jordan in the '97 Finals I don't know what does. So, move over Michael, because there's a new emperor in town. Bloomberg is reporting that if Lebron manages to win his first NBA title this June that he will become a 4 billion dollar man, jumping Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant in popularity in China. Nike, which made 1.96 billion sales in China over the last year, expects sales to realistically reach 6 billion by 2020, due in large part to the international fanhood of King James.

The reason for the huge growth in popularity will be directly attributed, according to experts like Terry Rhoads of Shanghai based Zou Marketing, to his lack of titles. The youth of China have latched on to the star power of Lebron, but true overall growth in the Chinese market can only be measured in titles. Jordan won 6. Kobe has 5. And Lebron...might have 1. Seems like it should be worth 4 billion dollars to me.

Al Davis Comes Up With Yet Another Great Idea (Other Than Canning Coaches and Drafting Unskilled Fast Players)

2011-05-18T15:55:00.002-04:00

For those of you out there blaming Daily Douche's like Stephen Ross (Marc Kohn) and other NFL owners slashing employee salaries despite the fact that they're billionaires, let's give it up for one of the ultimate good guys: Al Davis.

Davis and CEO Amy Trask have come up with an ingenious plan to incentivize full time employees to sell season tickets to recoup the salary that arguably shouldn't be stolen from them in the first place. In order to regain their former salary level, employees will be allowed to shamelessly peddle tickets to friends, family, and anyone else they deem fit.

Seriously, Al? Your franchise is already the laughing stock of the NFL and now you go and pull this. Sports executives with decades of industry experience cold calling friends and family to sell some club seats? This is sickening, even more so than Al's general health and appearance. Leave the cold calling to 23 year old recent graduates who think if they sell a lot of tickets a position will magically be created in Football Operations for them.

The Coliseum, which averaged just over 46,000 fans last season, is a hard enough sell when football is scheduled to be played. The stadium naming rights were recently purchased by Overstock.com and will be rebranded immediately. Unfortunately for Raiders employees, the only thing that is ever overstocked about that 30 year old stadium is their supply of tickets.

Maybe I'm being a little hard on Al. It should be pretty easy to sell tickets for a team who features first round pick studs like JaMarcus Russell, Fabian Washington, and Darrius Hayward Bey.

Super coach Lane Kiffin ordering a 76 yard field goal takes you out...one 15-0 lead and they think anything is possible...

Tosh K.O. Yet Another Pacquiao Opponent Accepting Defeat Before The Fight Begins

2011-05-18T15:35:00.002-04:00

Since Floyd Mayweather refuses to be even remotely considerate to boxing fans, the Pacman is moving on. TV host and comedian Daniel Tosh decided to take to the ring to see just what this little man has to offer. Much like Pacquiao's recent opponents, he chose not to defend himself or fight back at any point. The only difference is Tosh wasn't rewarded with hundreds of thousands of dollars to stand there and be embarrassed in front of millions of viewers. Finally a boxing match worth watching. Cut out the hopping around for 12 rounds and it's actually pretty enjoyable to watch.

What's Not To Like About Cleveland? Other Than Everything.

2011-05-18T13:53:00.002-04:00

Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who brought his sons to the NBA Draft lottery, used 14 year old Nick as his good luck charm, bringing the 1st and 4th picks to Cleveland. Obviously, the lottery was rigged in the Cavaliers favor (David Kahn's 13th dumbest statement/action of his T-Wolves tenure), but Nick Gilbert wants to know: What's not to like? Thanks to Fresh Brewed Tees, you can now relive Nick Gilbert's moment of glory over and over. Single handedly putting the city of Cleveland on 14 year old back and leading them to the rebirth of a city.

I think we can all agree that Nick Gilbert is gold. Great bow tie, glasses, sarcastic sense of humor. Unfortunately, letting Nick onto the font selection lottery committee for the Lebron James Comic Sans hate letter was probably ill advised.

Regardless, congratulations to Cleveland. Who needs Lebron James when you can counter with the star power of Enes Kanter? Then again, this is Cleveland. We're not expecting much.

For even more information on Cleveland tourism, click here.

The Argument Against Soccer Players Being Soft: Total Facial LaFleur

2011-05-18T13:50:00.002-04:00

In a land far far away called Belgium, soccer players aren't stereotyped as whiny actors who flop more often than Ashton Kutcher romantic comedies. And, yesterday, Standard Liege forward Mehdi Carcela unfortuantely ran into the next coming of Anderson Silva. Carcela suffered several facial fractures to his cheek, nose, and eye socket, but is in stable condition.

How does Rajon Rondo Silva raise his hands up like nothing happened? When you kick a man that hard in the face, you know you did something wrong. Like a guilty dog that ate the entire bag of cat party mix. Go to your crate and face the consequences.

Mark Zuckerberg Will "Like" This...I Still Don't "Like" Him

2011-05-18T13:46:00.003-04:00

Lior and Vardit Adler are the newest candidate for parents of the year. Not since watching "True Life: I Have Embarrassing Parents" as an adolescent boy have I been so embarrassed for an innocent, unknowing child. The MTV reality show detailed the lives of 3 sisters whose parents were both professional clowns whose last name was Graham. Maybe you can't blame a clown couple for going for the joke and naming their children Candy, Milli, and Holly, but Lior and Vardit aren't part of the seltzer and big shoes crowd.
You see, the Adlers named their chidl "Like," as in the Like button on Facebook. Somewhere in Palo Alto that little brillow pad and Corey Matthews-wannabe Mark Zuckerberg is smiling as he slowly takes control of the world.

At what age will "Like" be allowed to have a Facebook account? She (that's right, it's a girl) must have earned that right, given the fact that she will undoubtedly be mocked by friends and enemies alike. It could be worse, though- she could have been named Facebook. If there is akreadt a person so-named, I hope that these two wil meet someday through social media and we'll have a real live Facebook Like.

I'll give them a 9 for originality, 2 for thinking it through, and a 6 for naming their other two children Honey and Pie.

The one thing you can't take away from Lior and Vardit is the effort. Like they put in more than 5 minutes of thought to come up with a name that bad. On the other hand, perhaps my favorite athlete father George Foreman took the road even less traveled, by naming his 5 sons George and daughters Freeda George and Georgetta. This is dually surprising as Foreman is never one to shamelessly use his name on products or business ventures.

With that said, check out George breaking down the keys to be a good father in his 2008 book "Fatherhood by George."

Charlotte Lax Team Lets Fans Pick, And In Turn, Gives Charlotte Citizens Rare Opportunity To Cheer About

2011-05-16T17:06:00.003-04:00

With Major League Lacrosse headed to the Queen City in 2012, hundreds and maybe even thousands of fans are thrilled. While professional lax may not be the biggest draw nationwide, the sport has shown tremendous growth potential through youth leagues, and that could serve as a ray of sunshine for Charlotte. In a city where the Bobcats squad is headlined by NBA good guy Stephen Jackson, and the Panthers are set to fail with a rookie quarterback and reliable targets like Brandon LaFell and David Gettis, Charlotte sports fans haven't had much to cheer about lately. Add to all that the fact that Jimmy Clausen still currently resides in their state. Now I'm not one to give unnecessary pats on the back, but the Charlotte MLL franchise has done a tremendous job in engaging fans through social media and even allowing them to pick the mascot and design for their soon-to-be team.

Don't get it twisted- I'll probably never watch a single minute of a single game, but I've already submitted my vote for the Charlotte Flow. Anyone who knows anything about "bro" and "lax" culture knows that any good player earns his stripes by his "flow." Lax flow is that shaggy hair style that every 14 year old guy thinks is necessary to woo an equally awkward, self conscious female. The fact that I could potentially contribute to a professional franchise being named after a hair style embodying pimple-faced adolescents (or is that adolescence?) is amazing.

To understand the Ultimate Lax Bro better, enjoy this comedic gem brought to you by this flow bearing, pinny wearing, Busch Light chugging bro.

Dave Hopla Releases iPhone App For Teenagers Looking For Way To Blow Parent's Money Other Than Text Message Jokes of the Day

2011-05-16T17:03:00.002-04:00

Growing up as a suburban white kid with dreams of Division III basketball greatness, I attended my fair share of basketball camps. In my time sweating it out in non air conditioned gyms across Northern New Jersey, I encountered my fair share of ironic guest speakers. From former Syracuse player Deshaun Williams putting us through conditioning drills to "keep our heads on straight" , to Eddie Griffin telling us to stay off alcohol and drugs, the 13 year old saw it all. And then there was Dave Hopla.

To this day, I still don't know what to make of Dave Hopla. The man makes a living traveling to basketball camps around the country and making something like 248 of 250 free throws. Never once does he shoot with a hand in his face or on the move. Never once does he engage the crowd. He literally just stands there and shoots free throws. And, I'm pretty sure he thinks it's extremely interesting to watch. Standing still performing the most rudimentary shot in basketball. Not taking anything away from his ability to hit the same shot over and over, but come on man, an iPhone app? Thanks to the application released last week, ill advised teens can now purchase "iHopla"

The description off his website reads, "It's the off season, and you are at day one of your individual training. Three hours later, how did you do? Three days later, how have you improved? Three months later, what do you need to work on the most?"

With the iHopla app, which offers 1 whole workout, also offers the ability to input how many shots you take and make. Something a pen and paper definitely can't accomplish! Additionally, it

Allow me to save anyone out there reading this 99 cents. Hopla is about to blow your mind in this video with advise that undoubtedly only he can provide.

The German Moses

2011-05-16T16:55:00.003-04:00

Did DJ FLula do it again, or did DJ Flula do it again? Forget the fact that he sounds as if he is repeatedly chanting "Dick" instead of Dirk, and focus on the straight lyricism he drops to describe his favorite German hero. Plus the dude has some surprising skills and may have just given the Mavericks promotions team their next golden hair giveaway idea.

The Bavarian B-Rabbit.

Currently, the real Dirk is resting somewhere in the Dallas area, patiently waiting for the Western Conference Finals, where he'll next be seen showing the Thunder the meaning of the word "respect."

Home Alone House On Market: Buyer Beware- Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern Known To Creepily Lurk

2011-05-09T13:28:00.001-04:00

For me to ignore this story, just wouldn't be fair to the 8 year old version of myself. Kevin McCalister embodied everything I was about as a child. Candle lit microwavable macaroni and cheese dinners. Calling out his brother's ugly girlfriends. Only brushing his teeth with brushes approved by the American Dental Association, even if it meant he had to shoplift the good stuff (matter of principle). And, most importantly, fearlessly protecting his house from hardened criminals with ornaments, blow torches, and BB Guns. This, my friends, is what childhood is all about.

This past week, over 20 years after "Home Alone" took the world by storm, the house that helped make the movie such a success is hitting the delightfully soft housing market. Something tells me this house won't have any trouble selling. The Georgian home, which is located in Chicago suburb Winnetka, is hitting the market at a cool 2.4 million dollars. The Abenschien family, owners of the house since the film even went into production, were originally reluctant to allow director Chris Columbus into their home for 6 months of shooting. However, they should now enjoy the novelty that will help this house sell while others on the block sit unnoticed. The house is described in realty advertisements as "Classic residence offers timeless and inspiring family living."

Not quite the way I would have described it, but hey, I think the Abenschien's know best. However, a word of advice to prospective buyers of the house:

1) Never have pizza parties the night before leaving on vacation to Paris. They only end in anger and induce forgetfullness regarding your children.

2) Always be friendly to your bearded neighbor that despite a rough exterior are actually friendly, religious, and heroic where necessary

3) Keep your eyes and ears open for the Sticky/Wet Bandits at all times

4) Never watch Home Alone 3. That's just general advice to anyone. That movie sucked.

Calvin Borel and 11 other jockeys with their shirts off...Name a better value for $13.99 including shipping and handling

2011-05-09T13:23:00.001-04:00

5/9/11

The fine folks at Black Liner Productions and BrownTrout Publishers have introduced a 12 month calendar full of shirtless hunks, all of whom weigh under 1400 pounds altogether. That's right racing fans. What better way to celebrate the Kentucky Derby on Saturday or your Mother's Big Day on Sunday than by purchasing your very own "2012 Thoroughred Racing Jockeys Calendar?"

With that said, I'm really sure who the target market is for this calendar. Having graduated from a top 100 business program (I don't like to pat myself on the back, but let's face it, I did it), nowhere in my schooling was I taught it would be a good idea to sell pictures of 100 pound men with their shirts off. Maybe I just signed up for the wrong business classes. I guess we'll never know. But, with horse racing not exactly a female fan favorite unless oversized hat wearing is involved, coupled with the fact that men the size of adolscent girls isn't exactly the paradigm for the American hunk, this calendar is headed for interesting calendar sales. Undersized, homosexual males...we've got the calendar for you!

The calendar, headlined by Mike Smith, Kent DesOrmeaux, and certified crazy man Calvin Borel, is available for purchase and preview here: blacklinerproductions.com

We can only hope that Calvin Borel and Javier Castellano appear in back to back months. How hot is that? Did I really just say that? I'm going to go reevaulate my life.

Quincy Douby Has a Cool Coach. Takes Exact Opposite Approach of "Outback Steakhouse:" Just Rules, Not Right

2011-05-05T18:14:00.000-04:00

When I think basketball All-Star Game, I picture nothing more than a barrage of fundamentally sound layups and Chinese commentary that I can't understand. So what better video for me than the 2011 CBA (Chinese Basketball Association) All-Star Game. Forget overbearing Kia sponsorships ruining your All-Star weekend fun. After watching approximately 30 seconds of their best players, you'll know exactly why Wang (haha, wang) Zhi Zhi and Yi Jianlian are some of the worst players to ever grace an NBA court.

This past week, the CBA Finals closed out, as thrilling All-Star Game MVP Quincy Douby's Xinjiang Guanghui squad was downed by Guangdong (haha, dong) Southern Tigers.

Coach Xinquan running a tighter ship than Edward John Smith and we all know how that one turned out.

Oh, you don't remember Quincy? He's that guy who used to take 30 shots a game at Rutgers while appearing to be something between an alien and Tupac Shakur. Well, now that it's officially the offseason, Quincy will be allowed to enjoy some of life's little privileges and/or civil rights. Head Coach Jiang Xingquan has an unflinchingly rigid list of 11 rules that are not to be violated during the ever-important CBA season. Such as?

Hint- all of them are ridiculous, except for number two. which is extremely ridiculous. First off, who owns 2 or 3 cell phones? Secondly, how are you supposed to text all your American friends to tell them what a douche bag your coach is when he cops your phone every night? It's cool though, because at least the guys can watch TV or hang out with their teammates to blow off some steam.

Coach Xinquan running a tighter ship than Edward John Smith and we all know how that one turned out.

Willie Parker Says Washington Football Players Don't Care. Right On Cue, Andray Blatche Shows Him Washington Basketball Players Don't Care Either

2011-05-05T18:09:00.002-04:00

Willie Parker had this to say today about his former Washington Redskin teammates,

“Being in Washington, they don’t care about football. I didn’t feel good from day one there. They weren’t about football. They were about partying...If I had my choice, I’d go back to Pittsburgh with my boys."

It comes as no surprise that Dan Snyder and the Redskins continue to be an NFL punching bag, while the Steelers continue to be the model of football stability and success. Seeing the way Donovan McNabb was handled this past season, this shouldn't come as a surprise to Fast Willie.

What does come as a pleasantly ironic surprise is Andray Blatche proving in the same day that Parker may have been stereotyping the Redskins. It may, in fact, be all Washington athletes that only care about partying.

Fresh off leading the Wizards to wonderfully underachieving a 23-59 record,Andray Blatche used his superstar reputation to help promote "Cameo," a Miami strip club. I mean, this was a big deal. It was "Lapdance Tuesday" presented by Andray Blatche! Before arriving Tuesday night, he delightfully tweeted that he was about to "go hard in the paint," which he did about 50 percent of the time this season in Washington.

Check out this screen shot from Cameo's website:

They wrangled a big star and they knew it. Great promotion. Andre Blatch. My man.

Zack Greinke Sells Tickets...Braves Fans Thought Showing Up Would Give The Illusion They Cared About Him And His Cy Young

2011-05-05T18:07:00.000-04:00

Apparently winning Cy Young Awards doesn't impress the ATL. Come see them when you've got Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, and John Smoltz in your rotation.

And now Zack's said, like everybody skipped out on his big party. This crowd looks like a classic case of the "Facebook Maybe." Everybody puts "Maybe Attending" as a cop out so they don't make you feel bad and then bail at the last minute. You're 17, Zack. You understand how these things go. Make no mistake, it doesn't mean you can't be sad. But, let's put a smile on that face.

Besides, you're going home to a woman tonight that many of us mere mortals could even dream about, a Cowboys cheerleader and Miss Daytona USA 2008.

Kobe Bryant Sponsors Turkish Airlines...Because Mehmet Okur would have made TOO much sense

2011-05-03T21:06:00.003-04:00

A fitting commercial to air the day after Kobe and Co. let a 16 point second half lead slip through their grasp, handing the Mavericks an early 1-0 series lead. That shrimp salad sure would taste a lot better if you scored that last shot wouldn't it, Kobe?

You just have to wonder why the Turkish airline chef would go out of his way to make such a below the belt comment. Really going above and beyond the call of serving unrealistically delicious food, showing the kind suspect of customer service and hospitality that doesn't really scream postive brand recognition. What you REALLY have to wonder is why Kobe Bryant would possibly be going to Istanbul in the middle of basketball season.

Either way, hell of a kitchen facility on that airplane! Kobe will never have to worry about hunger when he was flying back and forth to Turkey during the NBA Playoffs. Just an airball of a commercial from beginning to end, from Kobe's complete loss of motor skills in the kitchen

Duke Adds Kyle Singler Clone: Couldn't Possibly Deprive America Another Unathletic, White Small Forward

2011-04-26T13:32:00.000-04:00

Duke has decided to counter the recruitment by other national college basketball powers of fast, athletic and skilled big men (Anthony Davis to UK, James McAdoo to UNC) by adding yet another slow-footed white man. Alex Murphy, a 6'8 forward from Rhode Island, has big shoes to fill. NBA busts and soon to be busts like Christian Laettner, Mike Dunleavy, Brian Zoubek, and Kyle Singler don't grow on trees. It's difficult to be unathletic and outmatched in today's college basketball, but somebody's got to do it.

Murphy is foregoing his senior year of high school- typically the best time of a teenager's life (e.g. the acquisition of a driver's license allowing one free reign to go out with babes), to join the Blue Devils a year early. A tremendous academic achievement for young Alex, no doubt, but the wisest athletic decision? Not so much. Word out of Durham is that Coach K is thrilled to have Murphy joining up early to provide a temporary stop gap for the lack of vapid stares into the distance, vacated by the departure of Nolan Smith and Kyle Singler.

To catch a glimpse of the stepchild of Mike Dunleavy and Kyle Singler , here he is.

If you're interested in seeing what a 2011 recruit should look like, check out P.J. Hairston, headed to Chapel Hill in the fall. Close your eyes and picture Harrison Barnes and Hairston stretching defenses next March while Tyler Zeller and Jon Henson go to work on the blocks. Magical.

Super babe dumps Super tool "Bachelor"

2011-04-26T13:29:00.000-04:00

For those of you not forced to watch "The Bachelor" with your girlfriend every Monday night at 8 PM Eastern, Brad Womack made his second appearance on ABC's hit show this Fall. After deciding that he didn't like any of the 25 stunning women ABC selected for him the first time around (I know, he's an idiot), Brad was granted a second chance to find love on network television. This time around, Brad selected wholesome mother Emily Maynard from Charlotte, NC over busty executive assistant Chantal O'Brien in the season finale.

However, according to RumorFix, Emily officially ended it with Brad earlier this week, leaving the two time contestant S.O.L. How do you bounce back from that? I'm sorry Brad, but the dating world doesn't usually offer you 25 gorgeous women ready to fall in love with you for little to no reason. Here in lies my problem with "The Bachelor." You find me one time, ONE TIME, where a contestant doesn't fall head over heels for the man in question. They meet the guy for 10 minutes and everybody wants to spend their life with him. Is it just me? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think it would take me at least 20 minutes.

Regardless, insiders surrounding the couple cite Brad's temper and endless fighting as the cause for the break up. Mind blowing, I know. They weren't doomed from the beginning having known each other for a few months, while touring the most exotic locations in the world for the price of on the house. Womack's dark and naughty side has apparently resurfaced post wrap showing that there is another aspect to him outside of repeating each statement minimum three times and holding mock therapy sessions with anyone and everyone he can.

I leave with you a clip of Emily being beautiful. Can you really blame Brad for falling in love with this woman? Mother Teresa with a body that makes you want to do things M.T. would be ashamed of.

Chris Paul Would Hit His Own Mother...Pause

2011-04-26T13:26:00.000-04:00

According to "Urban Dictionary," the definition of pause is as follows:

Now, I love Chris Paul. The fact that he has almost single handedly carried the Hornets to a surprising 2-2 tie with the Lakers would have been enough. Couple that with the fact that he has players like Quincy Pondexter, Marco Bellinelli, and DJ Mbenga in his rotation and I've got a serious man crush on this guy. Pause.

However, even Mr. CP3 can't get off when he makes comments like that. Pause. The man wouldn't last ten minutes in an office with Michael Scott. Pause. Heat of the moment. Huge win. NBA Playoffs 2011. I get it. Not to mention the fact that Cheryl Miller is in your general vicinity and she exudes more testosterone than Reggie Miller and Britney Griner combined. But, did Trevor Ariza really warrant the pause CP3 issued him after everything he says in this postgame interview? Maybe we should ask Jarrett Jack. Because apparently he knows Chris better than he knows himself.

Personal favorite: "Ah, nah, he'd do me the same way." Pause.

Women's Basketball's Biggest Attractions (Literally)

2011-04-06T12:38:00.000-04:00

Skylar Diggins doesn't graduate until 2013? Maybe I will start watching women's basketball regularly. Forget that her name sounds like a character on Cinemax after 11 PM. This is one of those times that you sit back and appreciate the fact that the WNBA pays about as well as managing a McDonalds.

On the other side of the coin, college basketball will miss its most dominant and beautiful force from 2011: Gary McGhee's little sister, Danielle Adams.

Tomorrow wouldn't be Friday without a Rebecca Black Shout Out

2011-03-31T17:10:00.001-04:00

Who says Ottawa doesn't know how to party? Rebecca Black is the most popular/biggest joke in America right now (a crown she will hold for likely 2 weeks based on the American attention span), surpassing Charlie Sheen as his 15 minutes of embarrassment and shame have officially come and gone.

Note #1: the Bronx Zoo cobra was ruled ineligible due to it's Egyptian ancestry.

It's still enjoyable when naive people post Rebecca Black's "Friday" video like they just found the next big thing. Hello? Where have you been for the last 69 millions views? With that said, here's to breaking down Canada's attempt at American stupidity.

Pros: The facial hair, the facial expressions, Foo Fighters Dave Grohl look-a-like, seconds 23-27

Cons: The second verse (at least attempt to mouth the right words), lack of crowd excitement/recognition of what's going on, the kid trying to Lebron the limelight in the beginning.

Note #2: Lebron (verb)- the act of being an attention whore or general douche bag

R.I.P. Chad Pennington's Athleticism

2011-03-31T16:51:00.002-04:00

The words Chad Pennington and athleticism aren't typically mentioned in the same sentence, but this isn't your run of the mill sentence. That sentence was special. This sentence...not so much. Speaking of special, the final few seasons of C-Penn's career have been anything but, falling victim to shoulder injuries in Week 3 of 2009 and then after 2 snaps in 2010. Now, after news broke today that Pennington tore his ACL playing pickup basketball, we are all left to wonder: Is this the last we've seen of arguably the weakest armed QB in NFL history? Fans can continue to justify that Chad was a precision quarterback and could put the ball anywhere. However, last time I checked, under throwing receivers by 10 yards and throwing with less Speed than Sandra Bullock, is something I could do for a far cheaper price tag.

It's fine. Chad will land on his feet (after 6 months of intensive therapy). Worst comes to worst, we all know he can rap. The next B-Rabbit.

This Just In: Mother of All’ Cricket Matches Diverts Market Traders in Mumbai

2011-03-30T17:58:00.001-04:00

Financial workers in Mumbai are stopping work early this afternoon as traders join what may be a record Indian television audience for the nation’s cricket World Cup semi-final against Pakistan.

Standard Chartered Plc (STAN), Bharti Axa General Insurance and Pramerica Asset Managers Pvt. are among companies that allowed staff in India’s financial capital to watch the event that began 2.30 p.m. local time in the northern state of Punjab. In Pakistan, the Karachi Stock Exchange closed 90 minutes early and government workers were given the afternoon off.

“The market has virtually gone to sleep at the moment, all eyes are on the TV screens,” said Sandeep Bagla, senior vice president in charge of rates trading at ICICI Primary Dealership, who is watching the match in his office. “It has been a very long time since I saw markets this quiet.”

1.2 billion people in India and not one of them realizes their sport of choice is about as riveting as the women's Final Four which starts...sometime pretty soon. I'll admit that was my initial thought when I read the above article, detailing India's pseudo national holiday and thus explaining their dead financial markets. No wonder they don't have running water and the best contribution to society over the last decade was "Slumdog Millionaire." I'll admit that was my second thought after reading said article. But, then I decided it might be worthwhile to investigate the virtues of the sport they call "cricket." And I was blown away. With baseball and it's never ending season starting tomorrow, I think us Americans can marvel at the triumphs and similarities of the games, while also envying the fact that Indians won't be subjected to 162 meaningless games before playoff season.

Best place for basketball instruction? A bed of daffodils

2011-03-22T15:38:00.000-04:00

"Son, have I ever showed you the correct form for shooting a basketball?"

"Well Dad, now that you mention it, you haven't. However, this would be a great time and place to learn though. Especially with this strange TNT cameraman taping us doing an activity completely unrelated to basketball. Actually an activity completely unrelated to anything. Does anyone ever sit in beds of flowers for any reason? Why are we even here, Dad?"

I have been a little nauseous the last few days.

2011-03-22T15:29:00.002-04:00

Came across this little gem in the men's bathroom today. I know what you're thinking. I was probably in one of those "It's Pat" unidentifiable, unisex bathrooms that bears just a single toilet bowl. But this bad boy was rocking urinal in the wall verification that I was in the right place. I generally try to avoid taking pictures of things in bathrooms (for some reason, society tends to frown upon this). What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom, or in this case, also on a sports blog. Whatever...some rules are meant to be broken. Like picking Pittsburgh to actually beat teams they're better than in the NCAA tournament. Or expecting people to not make lewd Rick Pitino/Morehead State jokes in March.

BYU's Next Star Recruit

2011-03-18T14:29:00.002-04:00

This commercial came on during one of the first 16 games of the NCAA tournament and I can't help but address it. I'm all for sportsmanship, but come on Alex. The Bears are straight up battling for the win in the championship game, clearly playing on the tightest rims in the entire country, and are playing the heavily favored LCA. Granted LCA appears to have never practiced transition defense, this is STILL NOT the right time to start your reffing career. Do you call yourself for a reach in foul when you give an incidental prostate exam instead of grabbing literal ball on a steal attempt? You've got to feel for the pimply, awkward white kid on the team. This championship would mean so much to his credibility/popularity at school and with high school babes, but Alex

On the other hand, unnecessary towel on the head kid has no right to criticize Alex. He's not even sweaty. Sit down and shut up, scrub. Alex is out there getting dunks, so at least he's doing something. There's nothing worse than bringing nothing to a team.

From what I've heard, BYU is recruiting Alex pretty hard to replace that heathen Brandon Davies. Great athlete, better morals. Just have to sell him on the whole no fun, caffeine, sex thing.

Who is this guy? And can somebody get him a longer mic?

2011-03-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

Excuse me sir, but you owe Bob Barker 10 cents immediately. No money orders or travelers checks please. Had that mic trademarked since '88. Amateur move from one of ESPN's 60 people dispatched to Miami to report on Bosh's anger over being a terrible player.

Rucker Park: Basketball Immortality

2011-03-09T11:14:00.002-05:00

Fat Joe once said "Matter fact I don't wanna even speak about the Rucker." The only logical explanation I can think as to why Joe wouldn't have a desire to speak about this notable stomping ground is that he witnessed this ESPN clip of the worst representation of NY hoope ever.

Kareem. Doctor J. Vince Carter. Stephon Marbury. All famed Rucker Park graduates and ESPN gives us a clip of four unathletic white dudes missing wide open back door layups. Is the guy in khakis wearing dress shoes?? What is going on right now?

Common rule of basketball: When 50% or more participants in a game are wearing pants of any type, the level of competition will be embarrassing. Walk away immediately. Don't put yourself in that situation. Never associate yourself with that.

Bill Raftery Acting Completely Normal

2011-03-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

I know this is a man whose bread is buttered by quotes like "With a kiss" and "Onions" in a voice that challenges Justin Bieber for femininity. But, this, this was just inexplicable. Almost like an exercise for warming up your voice gone terribly wrong. The 5 second silence by his counterparts, Sean McDonough and Jay Bilas, says it all. It takes a lot to shut up Jay Bilas even momentarily, so hats off Billy Boy.

Odds are Bill just saw the kind of YouTube exposure Serene Branson received for her on camera stroke a few weeks ago. Bill is a man that routinely paired with Gus Johnson come tournament time in March. He knows he needs a YouTube moment to hang his hat on come Selection Sunday or he may find himself on the tournament bubble.

It's Tournament Time!

2011-03-08T13:20:00.002-05:00

Ah, Big East tournament time. The best five days of college basketball not called March Madness. If you're not that excited about this tournament, you're obviously unaware of what's important in life. Either way, enjoy this refresher of one of the best college games I've ever had the pleasure of being part of. I say being a part of because I'm pretty sure I played in the 5th OT when both teams ran out of players.

This video reminds me of simpler times. Before Kemba Walker started taking 30 shots a game and inevitably became the most overrated player in college basketball after dominating the insignificant Maui Shooutout. When Hasheem Thabeet and Stanley Robinson had promising NBA careers ahead of them. When Johnny Flynn became America's sweetheart over night before being banished to a life of mediocrity in Minnesota. The times before Eric Devendorf passed the torch as the token Syracuse chin strap wearer, an honor passed down to him with honor by fellow Big East tourney legend, Gerry McNamara.

As Doris Burke butchers yet another college basketball telecast as I write/you read (UCONN-Depaul in first round action), Eric Devendorf aids us in displaying exhibit 1421 of why women probably shouldn't announce sports (sorry, Mom).

Kris Humphries Getting His Pamper On

2011-03-07T17:24:00.002-05:00


As if it couldn't be anymore embarrassing to be a Net

Kim Kardashian took her current athlete boyfriend, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, to get a nice manicure-pedicure this afternoon. To his defense, if you're a man and Kim Kardashian tells you to do something, you're probably going to do it. Let's face it. Humphries has been forced to endure almost a full season of New Jersey Nets basketball at this point, so you know he can handle just about anything in life. Aviators indoors and a sweet deuces sign aren't enough to salvage this TwitPic situation, but I admire his moxie for trying.

On another note, it's still kind of alarming how much the Kardashian family is revels in the opportunity to procreate with athletes. I'm giving 10 to 1 odds that Rob Kardashian is dating a Clipper before the end of the year.

No wonder Bosh cries after every loss

2011-03-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

When there is a YouTube video that highlights your name as being synonymous with "sucking," you know it's bad. Like a Bosh? Yeah, you think it's going to be awesome and then it sucks? You know, like a Bosh. Like 1 of 18 shooting from a 6'11 post player. Like riding coattails to glory because it's all about "being on TV." Like forcing an equally terrible nickname that is an eerily reminiscent knockoff of superstar's Chris Paul's CP3.

I hate Lebron James' off the court antics just as much as the next guy, but at least he finally did something on the court for fans outside of Miami (there's an oxymoron) to celebrate (other than forming the most beatable "super team" of all time and being a leading member of the first NBA team that cries after midseason losses). What are the odds of this even happening in a game? Maybe 6.25%? Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's the Heat's shooting percentage with the game on the line this season.

Not even an apology out of LBJ. Oh well, humility was never his greatest strength.

Stop hating on the American dream of sex and publication urination, ABC.

2011-03-07T13:04:00.002-05:00

Michael "Parade Reveler" Casazza gave a performance for the ages on Saturday's ABC nightly news. Saw the bright lights of that network television crew and knew it was time to go Charlie Sheen on their candy asses #winning #tigerblood. Sure, I'll take my nomination for best actor in a supporting role for grinning ear to ear at his comments. To me, Mike is the James Franco to my 127 hours. I am the rock. Holding him in place and keep him grounded, while he issued the show stopping performer that ABC news wanted and needed. Yes, we came to Hoboken at 9:40. Yes, we didn't know what the date was. No, we didn't make it to March 27th as I was on a 6:25 train back home and Mike had retired back roughly two hours earlier. What the humorless and uptight Stacey Sager did not realize was our different brand of sarcasm that flew miles above her head. Mike's sarcastic interview footage was cut before he could explain the reason we had to leave on the 27th because we had promised our children we would take them to McDonald's for happy meals on that date. Clearly, he was being serious.

But that's fine. You can paint every 20something as a binge drinking villain who has no family, soul, or morals. We just want to invade parades at all costs, ruining the experience for the families and old people by staying in bars they'll never enter. Until....we all leave those bars and have endless amounts of public sex and urinate all over each other. Sex! Urination! Everywhere!

FYI, the parade was not sweet.

Gary McGhee is an Avatar

2011-03-03T21:16:00.002-05:00

Some players just seem like they've been in school forever. David Lighty, Ohio State. Greg Paulus, Duke. Gerry McNamara, Syracuse. They are the guys that defy physics by seemingly never graduating or running out of medical redshirts. For me personally, Gary McGhee has been one of those guys. Maybe because he's been the same player from the time he stepped foot on campus four years ago. Over this same time period, I've often wondered what creature I thought this man looked like...and now, thanks in large part to visionary James Cameron, I am able to put a name to it.

Gary McGhee is an Avatar. Finally, I can put a name to my problem. I'd like to thank God, Jake Sully, 20th Century Fox, my family, and Jamie Dixon for recruiting him.

Mason Plumlee Definitely Would Hit That

2011-03-03T20:41:00.002-05:00

Say what you will about Harrison Barnes, but the man is cold blooded.

Duke-UNC, Saturday, 8 PM. To quote Bart Scott, CAN'T WAIT!

Nolan Smith's buggy eyes are going to pop out of his head when the Heels steal that ACC crown Saturday.

Evolution of a Headband: How to Hide a 5head

2011-02-24T18:55:00.004-05:00

Lebron's thoughts: High School- "I'm mean! You better believe I'm mean. I flex and wear armbands with my number on them. Not to mention playing entire games with hot wax hair removal strips littered across random parts of my body. Did I mention my team let me design these BOSS uniforms? Don't ever make fun of my five, I mean, forehead. Seriously, don't I'm self conscious."

Good call moving your headband up a half inch. The glare off your fivehead with those bright lights of New York City would have been enough to stop 6th Avenue traffic for a week.

His head band is like Charlie Sheen...just getting higher and higher as it gets older.

You wouldn't even know he was wearing a headband if it weren't for the NBA logo. Thank you, Jerry West.

But, seriously bro, we get it. You have one of the worst receding hair lines in NBA history and deep down the man that hires corporate sponsors for his nationwide birthday tour and originator of ESPN: The Decision might be a little self conscious. Shocking!

2015 Prediction: The Strap Band

Not only hides the fact that your hair is in worse shape than Stan Van Gundy, but gives you vertical functionality to hide your deteriorating chin strap. Perfect for unnecessary press conferences, NBA games, and for avoiding those sticky moments where 14 year old boys laugh at your inability to grow facial hair.

Nice subtle V-neck out of me. Great for lounging around the house. See what your V says about you.

Stromile Swift Are Intelligent

2011-02-22T18:13:00.000-05:00

TMZ reported today that Stromile Swift was arrested in Louisiana earlier this month by Shrevport, LA Police. Trust me, it gets more interesting. A woman Swift had been text messaging with, Chaquinita Pouncy (coincidentally my favorite producer of bananas and other produce), was frightened by Swift's aggressive textual behavior (sound familiar, Brett "4 inches" Favre) and had alerted police prior. While police searched Pouncy's house, Stromile decided it would be a good time to drop in to say hello...while carrying a handgun in his pocket. He was promptly arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault and improper telephone communications (which apparently, is a thing).

Swift continues to fulfill the legacy of the Grizzlies' inability to draft legitimate prospects, highlighted most recently by Hasheem Thabeet in 2009 and Greivis Vasquez in 2010.

Happy President's Day?

2011-02-21T16:43:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (AFP) – A growing, more affluent population competing for ever scarcer resources could make for an "unrecognizable" world by 2050, researchers warned at a major US science conference Sunday.

The United Nations has predicted the global population will reach seven billion this year, and climb to nine billion by 2050, "with almost all of the growth occurring in poor countries, particularly Africa and South Asia," said John Bongaarts of the non-profit Population Council.

To feed all those mouths, "we will need to produce as much food in th
e next 40 years as we have in the last 8,000," said Jason Clay of the World Wildlife Fund.

"By 2050 we will not have a planet left that is recognizable" if current trends continue, Clay said.
The swelling population will exacerbate problems, such as resource depletion, said John Casterline, director of Population Research at Ohio State University.

But incomes are also expected to rise over the next 40 years -- tripling globally and quintupling in developing nations -- and add more strain to global food supplies.

People tend to move up the food chain as their incomes rise, consuming more meat than they might have when they made less money, the experts said.

It takes around seven pounds of grain to produce a pound of meat, and around three to four pounds of grain to produce a pound of cheese or eggs, experts told AFP.

"More people, more money, more consumption, but the same planet," Clay told AFP, urging scientists and governments to start making changes now to how food is produced.

Population experts, meanwhile, called for more funding for family planning programs to help control the growth in the number of humans, especially in developing nations.

"For 20 years, there's been very little investment in family planning, but there's a return of interest now, partly because of the environmental factors like global warming and food prices," said Bongaarts.

"We want to minimize population growth, and the only viable way to do that is through more effective family planning," said Casterline.

I consider myself to be an intelligent person, but I'm not really sure what this article is supposed to mean to me. I feel like I'm back in 6th grade Social Studies and all I can picture is Pangea happening again and Inuit Indians walking across the Beiring Strait. First, we've got to survive 2012, which is going to be at least 10 times harder than Y2K? Then we've got this to worry about by 2050? For someone who has serious plans of being a happy and healthy 62 year old man in 2050 with roughly 100 years left to live, this is a frightening proposition.

SCARY STATISTIC ALERT: To feed all these mouths, we will need to produce as much food in the next 40 years as we have in the last 8,000.

So, as we celebrate all the great men that have led this country from George Washington to Abraham Lincoln, let's say a long prayer that the future of this country will be littered with leaders like those men. G Dub and Honest Abe would know what to do about this... after we explained to them what cars, computers, smartphones, McDonalds, global warming, terrorism, the World Cup, and Twitter are.

Daytona 500 Winner Can't Find Victory Lane

2011-02-20T22:16:00.002-05:00

Today might have been a changing point in my stock car racing life. For the first time in my life, predominantly brought on by sickness and a lack of desire to move from a seated position, I watched the majority of a NASCAR race. And let me tell you, it was a damn treat. Just a few minutes ago, I saw some guy bashing NASCAR all over Facebook and I almost had to step in. It was about to get real, and then I remembered that I've been bashing NASCAR for 23 years and decided not to be an internet tough guy. If we can ignore the overdone corporate sponsorships or Jimmie Johnson simply not making it fun for anyone not named Jimmie Johnson, this is still one B.A. sport.

20 year old Trevor Bayne became the youngest driver (by over 5 years) to win the Daytona 500, taking home the crown in just his second Sprint Car start. Forget the fact that his favorite television show is admittedly Rugrats (I mean, seriously, way to make any under the age of 25 look bad) and the fact that he couldn't even find "Victory Lane" after the race. Or the fact that his voice doesn't quite seep with killer instinct. 200 miles of making the same left hand turn at 190 MPH in a car that's hotter than Rihanna's All-Star game halftime performance will do that to a man.

Just What The Doctor Ordered

2011-02-19T23:24:00.003-05:00

The moment of the night, outside of Blake Griffin jumping in the general vicinity of the smallest car in America and Kevin Harlan forcing an obvious Kia 10 second sponsorship bit, was without a doubt Dr. J just ruining JaVale McGee's 15 minutes of fame. Dwight Howard said that JaVale's "swag was at a million"...until he sees this later tonight. The poor guy. He's probably played on national television a grand total of one time this season, which was of course John Wall's debut. Couple that with the fact that he shot a lower percentage from the field than he does in the regular season and his swag will probably be somewhere around 600 tomorrow morning. Dr. J, you sly dog you.

Coco Miller has NICE hair

2011-02-19T22:06:00.002-05:00

Coco Miller, everybody's favorite member of the Atlanta Dream, showed off her flowing locks at the NBA All Star Weekend Team Shootout. To say it's beautiful wouldn't be fair to her. It's beyond beautiful. It's the kind of hair that even Donald Trump has to turn and give you credit. Bangs with more volume than the Atlantic Ocean. Pulled back sides that shine brighter than Blake Griffin in a dunk contest. And a ponytail that puts even Janie Briggs to shame. Hats off, Coco. That hair is nice for you.

The Only Thing Wrong With America

2011-02-18T22:15:00.005-05:00

America. Best country in the world. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. But this right here is one of the few things wrong with America right now. The fact that 13 year old girls were able to call in and vote this little toolbag to an MVP award in a losing effort. I understand that it was a meaningless game that involved NBDL celebrities and it's my own fault for self inflicting myself this pain by watching it. Heather Cox didn't do us any favors, playing right into the little bastards hands with her fake laughs and feigned amusement (not to mention Rob Karsashian laughing like the Biebs ate peanut butter and funny for lunch). Where is that underrated babe Rachel Nichols when you need her? And, for the record, what exactly is an All Store game, Heather? As you re-watch the video for any missed tidbits, also take notice to Sheila Brown who serves absolutely no purpose to the whole transaction, as well as the penis shaped trophy that Bieber kisses (assist to @sportspickle for pointing that one out).

We get it though, Justin. You lost the game, but seriously, it's hilarious that you made the joke six times in under a minute. I'd also like to thank Heather Cox for making Justin sound like the ultimate warrior for sitting on a private plane for 13 hours and then playing in the game with a head cold. Truly Jordan-esque. I was a mediocre, at best, Division III college player, but I wouldn't have given anything to be out there reincarnate as Arne Duncan. Just giving Bieber buckets and knocking his two front teeth out with an elbow like Duncan inadvertently landed on Commander and Chief Barack Obama months ago.

At least those of us that are still immune to Bieber Fever were able to enjoy:

A) Biebs getting ripped by Tamika Catchings, who is currently a pro in the WNBA and still consistently the 8th best player on the court

B) His upper body strength that may match Natalie Portman's. Less White Swan. More Black Swan, please.

C) Three airballs from a jumper that aspired to be as pretty as Shawn Marion's

We also learned that Trey Songz is so terrible at basketball he should forever be banned from producing any lyric even closely related to it. Common is the closest thing the rap game has to D-Rose and shouldn't sweat the fact that he made arguably the worst basketball movie of all time (yes, worse than "Like Mike" and "Eddie").

But, still moment of the night was undoubtedly dominated by the Green Screen. Picture Ronnie from "Jersey Shore" crying for an hour last night and these were 100x worse. I've literally never seen something more ill advised and embarrassing on live television. Eric Gordon was forced to endure a Gladiator rendition that embarrassed ME sitting in my living room, 3000+ miles away. This is the worst idea ESPN has had since putting Lou Holtz on TV. Unfortunately, someone will probably lose their job tomorrow. Eric tried to save the scene...but it was just too much to overcome.

"Do you think I'm a clown?"

2011-02-18T17:18:00.001-05:00

Last month, when Jon Frankel had the pleasure of sitting down with Mike Tyson, he encountered one of those questions you never, and I mean never, respond to with "Yes." If Mike Tyson asks you if you think he's an f-ing clown, you smile politely and lie through your teeth like Carmelo Anthony talking about where he'll be playing in a week. All in all, Frankel handles the situation as well as can be expected. He might have had a little Prairie Dog pop his head out and say hello, but he calmly gives him a "No" with a semi convincing head shake.

But, come on Jon, if you're really going to walk the line of great investigative reporting, you've got to take a chance. Just give me a "yes" in that situation and we've got a totally different story...and for everyone but you...a more interesting story.

The "That's What Happens When You Hot Dog" Dunk Contest Betting Odds

2011-02-18T13:44:00.003-05:00

JaVale McGee: 20 to 1

He's a no name player having a mediocre year for a team that's 25 games under .500 at the All-Star break. Couple this with the fact that when you Google his name, the first thing to pop up in auto complete is "Missed Dunk" and you don't exactly have a strong Dunk Contest resume. Additionally, you have to Google his name three times to both spell it correctly and make sure you've capitalized all the right letters. Unneeded capitalization is the third most annoying thing a name can do, behind only having an apostrophe and spelling it differently than it sounds (see: Dwyane Wade or Brett Favre). Javale's (I refuse to give in to his demands of capitalizing excessively) chances improve tenfold if he changes his name to "John Wall" in the next 24 hours.

Serge Ibaka: 15 to 1

Serge is posting nearly identical statistics as Mcgee (still protesting), averaging 9 points and 7 rebounds on a good team in the NBA's small market. For that reason, Ibaka will never win, no matter how spectacular his dunks are. He's one of those guys that if you're playing an NBA video game with friends, you immediately sub out in favor of James Harden, even though Harden is rated a 67 OVR and a mediocre three point shooter (the only thing you would potentially use him for). Who's Serge Ibaka?

DeMar DeRozan: 5 to 1

Demar DeRozan (somewhat protesting at this point) won the McDonalds Dunk Contest in high school, was narrowly defeated last season, and is a budding star in the league. He's like a recent college graduate, trying to find his first full time job. He's had nice grades in the past, some internship experience to get his feet wet, but is he really ready to make the jump to the big/full time? Can he handle the pressure of that 401k? Time to find out.

Blake Griffin: 3 to 2

It would be shocking if Blake didn't take home the title. Like Mike Winchell getting stopped on the one at the end of "Friday Night Lights" shocking. He's the talk of the town and league for that matter, the festivities are being held in his own backyard, and every celebrity in California will be sitting court side cheering him on. Timofey Mozgov might even be there to ask for the honor of having his balls gracefully touch his face....again.

Hickory Smoked

2011-02-16T21:01:00.001-05:00

Hickory, the Scottish Deerhound, took home the title as "Best in Show" at the 135th Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden. What a beautiful dog. I can't think of a more beautiful creature. Oh, wait, how about any other dog ever? I love man's best friend. Thinking about the superiority of dogs to any other animal makes me smile. The fact that people actually own cats boggles my mind. Hickory dined on 8 ounces of Filet Mignon to celebrate the win, which coincidentally more Filet Mignon than I've eaten in the last month. Such is the life of the winner of the longest running sports event outside of the Kentucky Derby (unbelievable factoid).

But seriously, if we're going to light up the Empire State Building purple and yellow in honor of the Westminster logo colors, can we at least pick an appropriate dog to represent our country? This is the Richard Gere of dogs. Not that old (only 35 in dog years), but just scummy and gray haired. Probably going to make an appearance in a terrible romantic comedy in the near future.

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? You're really going to be more specific, Dwayne. That smell could really be anything.

2011-02-15T12:35:00.004-05:00

This might be the first time in five years that WWE fans actually have something to cheer about.... I mean, other than contrived fights and horribly predictable/cheesy banter. Each fight for the last twenty years has followed the same general formula:

1) The favorite jumps out to an early lead backed by the crowd support

2) The hated underdog gets back into it amidst crowd gasps/boos by pulling some sort of illegal move, which of course, the ref will miss every time (i.e. a tag team partner running down the tunnel and taking a cheap shot)

3) It will appear almost certain that the favorite will be overcome by the cheating ways and will appear nearly left for dead in the middle of the ring

4) This is where it gets tricky...oh wait...no the favorite will win just like the previous 6000 fights. He will snap back into life in 1.4 seconds, hit the underdog with one elbow, and then pin him miraculously.

Why people above the age of 12 still attend these events is beyond me, but to see The Rock come back was truly a magical moment for everyone involved. It sounds like the building was literally going to implode and we owe it all to Dwayne Johnson. Last night he made WWE fans forget that he sold out and became a legitimate person in society (see: Brock Lesnar). Made them forget he made INEXCUSABLE movies like "The Tooth Fairy" and "The Gameplan" For one night and one night only, WWE was cool again. Like in sixth grade when I wouldn't even dream about showing my face at Franklin Avenue Middle School without watching Monday night RAW.

CBS Anchor Invents New Language

2011-02-14T14:26:00.003-05:00

When I saw this, all I could think of was playing "The Sims" as a 13 year old. Takes me back. Let's just hope this woman literally forgot how to speak and doesn't have something seriously wrong with her. Regardless, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING, beats a live television mess up.

"Sergie Kharitonov Treating Andrei Arlovsky Like Christina Aguilera Treated the National Anthem At Last Sunday's Super Bowl!"

2011-02-13T17:38:00.011-05:00

It's not very often you hear someone outdo Gus Johnson, but last night Mauro Renallo was on a seemingly illegal level of excited. Renallo, who apparently is a fan of right hands, took pop culture references to another level when Sergei Kharitonov knocked out Andrei Arlovsky, who quite literally took his fourth straight loss on the chin. Arlovsky was once respected, feared, and lucky enough to appear on MTV's Bully Beatdown (gotta feel for the kid he's helping out, but how are you going to let someone unwelcomed move into your house, smash your head up on a door, AND knock up your sister?). These days Arlovsky specializes in a unique strategy called getting knocked the F out every time he steps in the ring.

Exhibit A: Fedor Emilianenko tucking him in to get his recommended 8 hours

Exhibit B: Brett "The Grim" Rogers showing him how Cabrini Green does. The referees angle of the destruction is must see TV.

Exhibit C: Last night at the Izod Center (the first MMA event I have ever been so lucky to see in person).

Overall, my experience at my first MMA event was more or less what I expected: More TapouT and Affliction gear than my eyes could physically process, a male to female ratio of 10 to 1 (making me feel like I was back in college again), and lots of dudes just throwing punches. Out of 5 main card fights only 1 went to the second round and it was stopped because Fedor's eye was literally located somewhere in the back of his skull. The one thing I didn't see coming, insert opportunity to pat myself on the back, was Antonio "Bigfoot" Silva defeating Fedor Emilianenko. Oh wait, I did see it coming, calling it minutes before the fight.

Thousands of intoxicated Russians in the stands did not take it well watching their idolized, "Last Emperor" take his 2nd defeat in under year. This wouldn't be that hard to swallow, except for the fact that he didn't lose for over a decade. And, oh yeah, this guy got owned too. How do you not see that crank neck coming?

Denver Wants to Strong Arm This Guy?

2011-02-11T12:27:00.004-05:00

Ric Bucher reported today on ESPN who the Nuggets want from the Knicks for Carmelo Anthony. Timofey Mozgov. Danilo Gallinari. It gets better. Wilson Chandler. It gets even better. Landry Fields. Anyone who shops at Modell's knows why we're not getting rid of this guy, besides the fact that he's Rookie of the Year if Blake Griffin didn't tear up his knee last preseason. Does Donnie Walsh look like the kind of guy you can strong arm? Donnie should counter the offer with Anthony Randolph, a peanut butter and fluff sandwich, and a Metrocard with 12 bucks. He's coming to us in February, or he's coming to us this summer. Take your pick Denver. Either way, you're going to feel like the parent that nobody wants to ride in the car with, while we (New York, the cool parent) takes Melo out for champagne at the 40-40 club.

Associated Press Hop

2011-02-10T20:05:00.009-05:00

Fact: The Associated Press writes the most boring articles in the world.

Fact: We all still read them because they’re nutritious and high in sports protein.

Fact: More than 6 million babies are born in China every day.

Fact: Josh Hamilton can’t so much as step into a bar or the urge to play Deerhunter while intoxicated will literally overwhelm him.

Fact: You wouldn’t know which of these facts was true and which wasn’t if I didn’t color code them for you. So, basically the idea here is that for one time in my life, I would love for the Associated Press to start throwing some curve balls once in a while, really try to keep the hitter off balance. Who cares if it’s not exactly the truth? Was “Full House” a realistic living situation having 3 heterosexual men live under 1 roof with 3 tiny children? No. Was it a great show? Yes. That’s all I’m saying. If Full House can do it, why can’t the AP?

(A.P. is in Green, Edits in Red…but anyone who graduated 3rd grade already knew that)

WARE, England – Super douche David Beckham stopped to help a stranded family whose Japanese made car broke down on the way to school, and for some reason our culture considers this news.

Beckham pulled over during morning rush hour, because unlike regular people he is so rich he can do whatever he wants and lives in no fear of losing his job despite his constant lack of production, which would ultimately never be tolerated in the corporate world.

The soccer player, who readily admits he is a terrible player and only skims by on his good looks and fame for marrying a Spice Girl, ordered his driver to pull over near a roundabout in the town of Ware, England. He assisted a no name and unsuccessful photographer Paul “Long Dong” Long and his two adopted children, whom he later discovered to be both homosexual and creepy.

Long had been ignored by other motorists before the soccer star came to his rescue, most likely due to the fact that he was wearing a halter top and Daisy Duke jean shorts. He said Beckham asked if they were OK, hoping inside that he could further solidify his place in the gay community, and unfortunately Long merely asked for a push to the side of the road. What a riveting account of the action, Paul. This is almost as exciting as Beckham’s chosen profession.

Long openly admitted he was gay when he told BBC (no not that BBC, you’re disgusting) Radio on Wednesday he said, "Thanks David, I love you and I often imagine you as my boyfriend when I make love to him" as the former England captain returned to his $ 100,000 car.

Beckham, who no one respects as an athlete anymore, is training with Premier League club Tottenham until Feb. 22. He'll soon bless America with his triumphant return to the Los Angeles Galaxy for the MLS season, where his only hope for publicity will be to secure a place on Sportscenter’s Top or Not Top 10 plays.

Commercial of the Year?

2011-02-07T17:26:00.006-05:00

In this the time of the Super Bowl commercial evaluation, a time when college professors spend half their business classes talking about the Super Bowl commercials and non football fans actually have a chance to relate to the rest of America, I feel like we need to tip our hat to my current commercial of the year. Although we're only a month and some change into 2011, Jersey Shore's Ronnie and Xenadrine have teamed up for a commercial that's unbelievability is matched only by it's low budget feel. Ronnie deserves an Academy Award for his performance trying to salvage this wreck. Take for instance, the PREMIERE sign behind Ronnie. Nothing like shooting your bro's a double point at the big premiere....of something. I also never knew Ronnie ran with such a fat crew. Funny how all of his "friends" don't carry a heavy New York/New Jersey accent, and/or have even the slightest indication of a tan.

In continuing with the spirit of the Super Bowl and the pointless prop bet:

Over/Under 2.5 hours as the filming time for this commercial?
Over/Under Clothing Budget of $200
Over/Under 22 times it took Ronnie to successfully say "Real people. Real results. It's weight loss that works" matched with his ever so enthusiastic point?

Green Bay: The Most Jubilant Place on Earth

2011-02-07T14:58:00.005-05:00

Bitter fans all over the country imagine what it would be like to participate in a Super Bowl celebration for their favorite team. Many fans will never live to see their team win it all. Which poses the question: Really, Green Bay? This is ALL you got? 30 nerds in a bar that looks like it's somebody's basement? People politely chanting "Go Pack Go" over and over in the bustling down town area that includes a parking garage and an apartment building. What a city! Take a look at the 1998 Broncos fans. They'll show you how to party like it's 1999.

Let's all give it up for the best day of Jeremy Buschmann's life. I don't know whether to be happy for him or feel bad. I respect his fan hood, but let's go my man. Get out there and do something with yourself! This can't forever stand as the best day of your life.

Mashup of the Day

2011-02-02T16:43:00.004-05:00

Survivor "Eye of the Tiger" meets True Grit meets a guy who can't sing. While this video was produced in 1999, which makes me marvel at the improvements to digital media and entertainment as a whole over the last decade or so, it couldn't be further away from where we are as a sports nation today. The Seminoles are no longer the fun loving, car stealing, girlfriend beating juggernaut that was the target of former Florida player James Bates in this video. However, today, the 'Noles took a step in the right direction (if the aforementioned things are the right direction). According to my sources at ESPN, which is ESPN itself, the Seminoles landed 12 of the top 150 recruits on National Signing Day, putting them five recruits ahead of the next best class, Auburn with 7. This comes as a bit of a surprise to recruiting gurus nationwide, but if there was one team that could possibly out pay, I mean out recruit Auburn, it's got to be the Seminoles.

New coach Jimbo Fisher is known for his recruiting prowess and has shown that ability in this his first full year. Despite the fact that 2 of these recruits will probably be ruled academically ineligible and another 2 will be suspended for violation of team rules by September, this momentous occasion proves the Seminoles are back to what they do best.

Being assnoles.

The Communist Crusader

2011-01-31T14:33:00.008-05:00

While we're on the subject of pro basketball (we weren't, but it's a nice segway, right?), I've got two words for you: TIMOFEY MOZGOV. You may remember him from his work earlier this season, as he let Blake Griffin personally violate him with all kinds of brute force.

In a complete role reversal, The Communist Crusader put the Knicks on his back last night leading them to a 124-106 victory at the Garden. Mozgov's 23 points and 14 boards paced the Knicks all night, as he was thrust into action as Ronny Turiaf continuously proved his inability to do anything productive other than commit fouls. As the final seconds ticked off the clock, Mozgov was serenaded by the crowd as they chanted MOZ-GOV over and over. So what if they were just 33 percent proud of him, 33 percent making fun of him, and 34 percent following what everyone else was doing? Wednesday, when Shawne Williams and Wilson Chandler return and Timofey is once again relegated to his token seat on the bench next to Andy Rautins and his hot mom (don't think I forgot about that from college, Andy), we will still not forget about this night. Brian Scalabrine has made a career of being one huge joke to fans, coaches, and teammates alike.

There's no shame in that, Timofey. No shame at all. In closing, TIMMAYYY!

The Best Athletes in the NFL!

2011-01-31T14:10:00.005-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's what you've been waiting for for the last 20+ weeks. After 5 months of everyone's Sundays literally revolving around the TV from the hours of 1-11 PM, and with the daunting realization that most of our lives will be empty and cold after February 6th, we were greeted with an opportunity to watch the NFL's cream of the crop play in the most meaningless game in sports. The Goo Goo Dolls lethargic on field pregame performance in front of a seemingly half empty Honolulu Stadium set the tone for what is quickly becoming the biggest joke in sports. Following the Goo Goo Dolls, football audiences nationwide were ONCE AGAIN serenaded by an American Idol contestant performing (see: Lee Dewyze's less than lukewarm acceptance at the Bears-Packers NFC Championship game. I was in the stands and couldn't help but smile when Lee was booed for attempting to be a fake Bears fan). Despite the NFL's inability to concur that football fans don't typically tune in to watch J-Lo cry over emotional performances, the show went on. And before we could blink our eyes, it was 42-0 NFC. However, in this epic play (the best lateral play since the Music City Miracle), we are able to see Alex Mack take it to the house. Unfortunately, I was hoping the true surprise would be Alex's transformation into a large pile of liquid for some illogically and poorly explained reason. That's a Nickolodeon reference for anyone born before 1985.

Anyways, personally, I'm just shocked they were able to get the pass off with that relentless pass rush zeroing in on Matt Cassel. Darnell Dockett gets MVP of the play (#90 in the blue) based on his pure effort and desire to bring down the ball carriers.

Cleveland Fans Don't Like Being Called Losers

2011-01-18T12:25:00.004-05:00

The Jazz Bear drops the hammer on this little man. Please excuse the loser, and his hyena laugh, that filmed the video. At least he was able to catch this wonderful moment on camera. It's the best thing to come during a professional sports timeout since the Boston Blazers' lap dance competition. Who exactly thought that was going to go over well?

"Oh Mi Oh My"

2011-01-13T14:37:00.005-05:00

I've often laughed at the fact that the NBA just doesn't call travels. Like my boy Dan Majerle getting sponsored for a local walk-a-thon. Or Dwayne Wade showing off his fancy footwork. But this one really gets to me. They review the play to check whether it was a 3 or not. How about just not counting the basket when he blatantly takes five steps, rather than making sure you give him all 3 points? Every FAF (fake ass fan, especially pertinent in L.A.) in the stands can see it was a travel.

I promise this is the last time I'll post anything about Lebron James for a long time. But I just had to after seeing this grave injustice go "karma is a bitch and God sees everything." I'm not talking about him though. I'm just saying what I'm feeling at the time. Somebody told me to say it, so I wrote it. Ummm...it's called a retweet and you do it every day, Lebron.

Question of the Day... Who's back does God have more? Lebron James or Stevie Johnson?

Question of the Day #2: Did Blake Griffin major in Mean Mugging at Oklahoma? Go to your room, Mario. And don't come out until Mr. Griffin says it's okay.

Wherever Haters Are?

2011-01-12T18:07:00.003-05:00

Coincidentally, Lebron James is on my blog....again....because I am a hater. And as we can see by his new Twitter location "Wherever Hates Are," it makes perfect sense. I don't want to be a hater, but he makes me one. It's not even about basketball anymore. I understand he wanted to win championships and was tired of caring a team that clearly is inept (for anyone living under a rock, the big news of the day is once again Lebron slighting Cleveland with a snappy tweet), but COME ON MAN! You're not even a person anymore.

Power point presentations, birthday party sponsorships, and a national dinner party tour?

Believe me, I went to college. I understand the concept of branding, but how can you be where all the haters are when everyone hates you? You are but one man. Do you realize that, King?

Nick Fairley. The Next Albert Haynesworth?

2011-01-11T15:43:00.004-05:00

Nick "The Pig" Fairley. Never in my life have I witnessed a man that so closely resembles a pig. Or plays like such a douche. Yes, that too.

When you type in Nick's name into Google, it will auto complete the search box for you to "Nick Fairley Dirty."

But let me tell you. It stings a little less watching your favorite college football team for the last decade finally make the National Championship only to lose to a group of class acts.

Exhibit 1: Nick "The Pig" Fairley

Next year this time he'll be: Cashing checks and snapping necks

Exhibit 2: Eric "Show Me Your Hands" Smith

Next year this time he'll be: Holding up convenience stores for dispensable nacho cheese

Exhibit 3: Cam "You Know It's a God Thing" Newton

Next year this time he'll be: Cashing checks...legally finally.

It's always nice to know that God had Cam Newton's back all along. He must have been in on the cut. If Brent Musberger talked about how Cam's been able to excel under such adversity one more time, I probably would have thrown up all over myself. And, could he have been less excited about winning the National Championship? Or could he have had less awareness of the massive piece of confetti sticking to his forehead the whole interview? It's a damn shame that Jeremiah Masoli got kicked out of Oregon last season. It undoubtedly would have been the first time that NFL Quarterback prospect/laptop thieves squared off in a game this meaningful.

I don't even know what "contraction" means. All I'm saying is we should get rid of some teams.

2010-12-27T12:39:00.007-05:00

Months after physically and metaphorically screwing over his coaches, teammates, and the city of Cleveland, Lebron James now considers himself to be somewhat of an economist. In an article published on ESPN.com today, Lebron hints that he thinks the NBA could and should contract the Timberwolves and Nets in order to put young stars on already solid teams to make the league more like the 80s. Coach Avery Johnson didn't take kindly to Lebron's suggestion stating that "maybe the league would be better if there weren't three stars on one team." When given the chance to defend himself, Lebron gave the ultra convincing argument that he didn't say that and that he "didn't even know what contraction meant."

Well, let me think about this logically. Yeah, that's definitely the best laid plan. Why didn't think of commissioner David Stern think about listening to this bright high school graduate years ago? We'll get rid of a team in the premier sports market in the United States, which has a new highly motivated billionaire owner and a state of the art arena set to open in 2012. All so Devin Harris and Brook Lopez can join a contender. Then Lebron, we'll take the Timberwolves, who by the way aren't even in the bottom fifth of NBA attendance this season, and abolish the franchise, so Kevin Love can rebound and outlet pass to a more dynamic team.

Why didn't we all think of this before? Let's listen to the guy that never went to college and has no idea how business actually works! Surely, lucrative television contracts, corporate sponsorships, and league branding aren't important. It must just be about what team is good right now. Our new economic leader doesn't know what the word contraction means? Sure, no problem. He's obviously not retarded!

Take, for instance, that fact that if he cared so much about the well being of the "league," did he think he was helping it by going to one of the softest sports markets in the United States? Florida: heaven's waiting area. It's nothing but retirees and beach lovers. Maybe if he tuned into a Jaguars, Dolphins, Marlins, or Rays game sometime, he would see the half empty stadiums and arenas. The Heat, who still rank just fifth in the league in attendance with 3 of the games biggest stars, are surely a lesson in economics. They draw the number 1 crowd on the road, but 4 teams rank within 5 percent of their road attendance. As a New York market viewer with midwest biases (Mavericks, Bears, Cubs), it's fair for me to say that coming to New York would have been best for the league. Not moving Brook Lopez and Kevin Love to an already stacked team.

Maybe, just maybe, if you want to improve the league, you can create a meaningful rivalry (aka one where you don't fade in the playoffs every season) with someone other than the citizens of Cleveland (think: Kobe, Dwight, Durant). Magic, Bird, or Jordan would have never joined the same team. They hated each other. Just like I hate you for thinking you're bigger than the game.

Rant over.

Spreading the Christmas Spirit!

2010-12-24T13:40:00.004-05:00

Want to know the only way to get Hawaii-Utah basketball mentioned on Sportscenter? Have the two biggest guys on a team scouting the game fight in the stands. The Diamond Head Basketball Classic has never been this exciting!

The heavy weight bought featured blue chip prospect, turned NCAA investigation Renardo Sidney (6'10, 270 pounds) vs roommate/fellow front court starter Elgin Bailey (6'8, 276 pounds). That's a lot of man. 546 pounds of man to be exact. Which is why I completely respect the fact that the one dude trying to break it up was a skinny white male who was willing to throw himself in between two man who easily doubled his body weight. Just last night, I saw a single drunken buffoon in a sport coat get jumped by 9 men after last call at the bar I was at. I did not step in (for obvious reasons, aka a desire to keep all of my teeth intact), but regretted the decision after I thought about it. I could have been THAT awkwardly skinny GUY.

However, my personal struggles aren't what's important. What is important is that we can thank Sidney and Bailey for spreading Christmas cheer...one off balance right hook at a time. What's also important is that Renardo Sidney averaged 1.2 blocks a game as a senior. Is that even possible when you're a 6'10 McDonalds All American? I, Christoph Schoenbeck, averaged more blocks as a high school senior. No. Big. Deal.

Rex Ryan has a food, I mean foot, I mean food and foot fetish.

2010-12-22T13:30:00.009-05:00

News broke on ESPN today that apparently Rex Ryan has some sort of a foot fetish. I've taken the pleasure of editing the article to a more realistic representation of what everyone in the Associated Press is really thinking. Just a disclaimer: Edits are in red, but anyone who passed the third grade already knew that.

The New York Jets are on the verge of making the playoffs only to disappoint fans with a first round loss, but the focus once again is off the field as fat slob/coach Rex Ryan is being asked whether his surprisingly thin and normal wife, Michelle, posted foot-fetish videos on the Internet. Excited, the media pounced on the biggest story in weeks, outside of Brett Favre and his tiny penis.

In a conference call with Chicago reporters leading up to Sunday's big game with the Bears, Ryan didn't deny (meaning it's true) a Deadspin.com report that shows a number of videos of a woman who looks very much like his wife (meaning it is his wife) showing off her feet in a Jet green t-shirt while a cameraman -- who appears to weigh 400 pounds and sounds like Ryan -- talks to the woman. The man could not be 100% identified as Ryan as they did not produce some sort of disgusting slur every other sentence.

"I know you need to ask, it's a personal matter," Ryan told reporters when asked if the situation could snowball (mmm Hostess products, sounds delicious to Rex) into a distraction. Super judgmental Joe Buck will surely have a self righteous opinion to spew around the media this coming Sunday regarding this DISGUSTING ACT.

He said it was between him and his wife and their camera and he would not elaborate beyond that. In the video, Ryan is heard saying, "You mind if I touch them? Can I smell them?" Michelle Ryan was reportedly overjoyed that Rex expressed interest in smelling something other than baked goods.

The PR nerd for the Jets reveled in his opportunity to be important and thought for hours on end as to how to handle the situation and already had issued a statement predicting the obvious future: "This is a personal matter and I will tell Rex that he will have no comment."

The story made the front page of the New York Daily News, along with probably a Jet skiing squirrel and another rape/murder in the Bronx. Ryan is scheduled to meet with the New York media Wednesday afternoon after he eats a goddamn snack with his slapdick team.

This is just the latest controversy for the Jets. They recently suspended strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi indefinitely for being a complete retard after he tripped a Dolphins player during a punt return. Levying fines equal to half Sal's salary and suspending him indefinitely seemed the proper penalty from the NFL, where as James Harrison is routinely fined $ 25,000 or roughly .13% of his annual salary for attempting to kill people. The NFL is investigating and has put the Brett Favre investigation completely on hold to help protect his legacy for 2 more injury plagued games.

Earlier this season, the league also investigated the team after it was reported that unprofessional slut/ reporter Ines Sainz was harassed at Jets practice for being too hot. NFL officials said she quote "had it coming (no pun intended) for dressing like she was going to a Miami nightclub at work."

Ryan himself came under fire for using profanity repeatedly during HBO's "Hard Knocks" show on the team. The show also illuminated Mark Sanchez' inability to play the quarterback position and Antonio Cromartie's inability to EVER wear a condom from 2005-2008, yet all three were let off the proverbial hook.

And wide receiver, who was exiled from Cleveland last year at the hands of then King Lebron James and his posse of thugs, Braylon Edwards has been dealing with a drunken-driving charge that could affect another case stemming from an altercation in Ohio where .

The Jets are 10-4 and can clinch a playoff berth with a win over the Bears (yeah, right) in Chicago, assuming Mark Sanchez doesn't deem it's too cold to play and distribute 4 interceptions to an array of Chicago defensive backs.

Steve Francis takes the whole "15 minutes on, 15 minutes off" principle of icing PRETTY seriously

2010-12-21T15:14:00.009-05:00

THIS was once Steve Francis. Refusing to play places. Dunking on the face of Bryant "Big Country" Reeves. Rubbing salt in the Vancouver Grizzlies wounds.

THIS is Steve Francis NOW.

Suiting up for the Shanghai Ducks, and becoming a card carrying member of the exclusive "Club Trillion" (recording 1 minute played without tallying a single stat of any kind). Then again, it's kind of hard to record any kind of stat with an ice pack wrapped around your ankle. Shout out to my boy Stevie "Franchise" Feinberg for the tip on this story. Not only is he the premier distressed real estate asset analyst in the Metropolitan area, but he is a true connoisseur of what's funny and what's not. And THIS is funny. Word out of Shanghai is that the recently signed Francis was not supposed to play in the game until thousands of Asians began to chant "Fu Laoda," which loosely translates to "Big Boss Francis."

The Ducks coach, Min, apparently didn't specialize in resisting peer pressure in grade school (not to mention the temptation to have an actual, two part name). Shortly after the chants began, Min signaled down the bench (I'm assuming because I doubt Mr. Francis speaks Chinese) for Franchise to enter the game. Upon insertion (that's what she said), the crowd proceeded to chant "Fu Laoda jiayou" which literally translates in Chinese to "add oil." Question: Is this really the closest their language can come "Let's go!?!? If I'm ever a GM of an NBA team, my fans WILL chant "add oil." It will be required and it will be inspirational.

At least Francis provided the crowd with the "oil" they desired, as he stood in place and dribbled the clock out in place for the remaining 17 seconds. WHAT A SHOWMAN! Oh, how far they fall. Steve Francis, once the high flying scoring machine from Maryland, has now relegated himself to playing 17 seconds with a bag of ice still taped to his ankle. His shoes aren't even laced. And worst of all, he has a fat face. Even equally desperate has been's Stephon "Starbury" Marbury and Allen "The Answer" Iverson don't have fat faces. So, now in a complete role reversal as Yao Ming is drinking a beer and eating fried chicken, Francis will be forced to suck down months of noodles, sushi, and embarrassment.

My Newest Business Plan. As long as I work 40 hours a week at this salary, I'll make about $75,000 dollars this year....Tax free!

2010-12-01T17:53:00.005-05:00

God Did Him Dirty!

2010-11-29T13:04:00.003-05:00

It's a fact. God loves football. Why else do you think he rested on the 7th day? Anticipation. He knew what was coming in 1900 years and wanted to establish the routine early. So, why in God's name (God Pun #1) would he possibly do Stevie Johnson like this? He'll never forget this Godforesaken moment (God Pun #2). All the poor guy wanted to do was catch the game winning touchdown and lift his Buffalo Bills one step closer to a worse draft pick. But as the ball fell from the heavens into his outstretched hands (God Pun #3, I could go all night, but it will soon get old), Johnson acted as if he first greased his hands with about a pound of Uncle Johnny's Nut Butter. But, hey, maybe God does have his back? I mean, come on, we're talking about Andrew Luck here buddy! Ryan Fitzpatrick is a fun novelty for 2010, but don't you really want to build your franchise around a QB that thinks the game starts in the 4th quarter.

Kudos to Stevie Johnson for trying to communicate with God through Twitter. I've heard he's a huge fan of social media. I can only hope he's up to date on his abbrevs (i.e. THX). 140 characters is pretty limiting, especially when you need to emphasize each thought with seven exclamation points and/or question marks. I mean, am I right????? It's much more apparent that I am fired up now, right!!!!!????

If there was a book in the Bible regarding professional football, it would probably start, "Thou shall not appear on every daytime ESPN show the week after your first ever big game. Rookie mistake. Classic."

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T11:48:00.003-05:00

On this day, we all take a moment to reflect upon what really matters to use. Family, friends, football, and FITCH. This man, pictured by yours truly last night during the Magic-Heat game is what is so wrong, yet so right with our country. He's got to be 30 years old, rocking negative sideburns and an Abercrombie and Fitch Prep Athletic Department shirt. Typically, most wannabe cool 14 year old boys opt for something that says "Abercrombie Athletics," giving the illusion that Abercrombie has some sort of sports teams. One thing I promise you about guys that wear those shirts is that they have never been part of an organized sport or team in their entire life. Case in point being that they would simply wear an actual shirt from their playing days.

However, this guy went out of his way and one upped everyone by becoming a part of the Fitch Prep Athletic Dept. I took the liberty of conducting a thorough background check (i.e. a Google Search) and there is no Fitch Prep in the United States of America. I just don't understand how you can possibly walk into a store and see a shirt linked to sports in a store meant for tweens, and say to yourself, "Wow. I have to have that shirt. It's B.A."

But, hey, that's what makes America great. We can make our own decisions, we don't have to be Puritans, and we can celebrate a day synonymous with the takeover and pillaging of thousands of Native Americans. Enjoy your Turkey!

Ticket Sales 101: Put an inferior product on the court and charge the most!

2010-11-24T17:45:00.004-05:00

The sports business outlet Team Marketing Report said Wednesday the average price of a nonpremium seat dropped 2.5 percent to $48. That followed a 2.8 percent decrease last season.

The Los Angeles Lakers have the highest average at $95 following a 2.1 percent rise. The NBA champions are followed by New York at $89, Boston at $69 and Chicago at $64.

Memphis is last at $23 after a 3.9 percent drop, and Washington is at $25 after a 9.9 percent decrease.

Detroit dropped prices 10 percent to $43.

The Fan Cost Index, which takes into account the prices of four average-price tickets, two small draft beers, four small soft drinks, four regular-size hot dogs, parking for one car, two game programs and two least-expensive, adult-size adjustable caps, shows the Knicks with the most expensive night out at a game, with a cost of $506. The Lakers are second at $489, followed by Boston ($393), Miami ($380) and Chicago ($365).

And why shouldn't the Knicks game be the most expensive ticket in the league? They hold a 7-8 record, well on their way to their tenth consecutive losing season and 8 years off their last playoff appearance (a 4 game sweep to the equally dreadful Russian owned New Jersey Nyets). They promised their fans a championship contender in 2010, banking on the fact that Lebron would be lured to the bright lights of NYC, rather than South Beach, Flash, and an Avatar. Worst of all, this isn't their logo anymore. As my best friend, and lifelong Knicks fan Talbot Talks (solid blog, however thinks he knows a lot about football, picks against the Bears every week, so apparently he doesn't) texted me one night at the outset of the NBA season, "I wish I had a 100,000 dollars that I could bet on the Celtics to win the Atlantic." And here, on November 23rd, we see the Knicks sitting proudly in second, already 3.5 games back 15 games into the year. With that kind of fan support, it's easy to see exactly why the Knicks are so good, at being so bad.

It makes me want to do this. To someone. Preferably Lebron James after he tweets about someone hating on him for the millionth time.

As a pseudo Knicks fan who jumped on the bandwagon this year before I realized Amare isn't as athletic as he once was and is desperately missing a pick and roll PG who can lead him to uncontested layups, I'm irritated. Picture Karl Malone on the Lakers. He wasn't the same and now he wears Skechers Shape Ups.

Yet, somehow through all that, the Knicks still cost their fans the most per game according to the Fan Cost Index. While the fan index is off the mark (who buys 2 beers and 4 sodas? Not to mention programs? Not to mention lame, non fitted hats?), it still shows the fact that New York is king of something. Overpriced, overvalued nights out!

So suck on that, Lebron.

We're sorry for making you look bad, Mike. Maybe next time don't lock him in shed though?

2010-11-24T17:01:00.004-05:00

Former Texas Tech football coach Mike Leach filed a lawsuit Wednesday alleging ESPN defamed him last year in the coverage of his firing.

Leach was fired Dec. 30 after allegations that he mistreated wide receiver Adam James, the son of ESPN college football analyst Craig James.

The lawsuit in Texas district court claims ESPN failed to "retract false and damaging statements" made from "misinformation" James provided.

ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said the company has not seen the lawsuit and that it would be inappropriate to comment.

The suit also names Spaeth Communications as a defendant, claiming James hired the firm for "purposes of creating public opinion hostile to Leach."

Please forgive the horrible embarrassing college sports host (who stands one notch above "Boom Goes the Dynamite" after saying A&M had 5500 yards of offense), and concentrate more on Mike Leech "defaming" his players. And, of course, their fat little girlfriends. No man should be able to accuse ESPN of creating a hostile public opinion towards them, when he inevitably sets himself up for criticism unfounded and childish comments. Texas Tech females don't need this kind of defamation of character. They are probably delightful, healthy young women.

As for as ESPN goes, this is the same network that continues to put up with the every media whim and temper tantrum of Brett Favre, rather than giving him the proverbial "F" you. To blame ESPN is wrong. Perhaps think of blaming yourself next time you lock one of your players in a shed. I've taken Business Law. For this reason, I'm an expert on the subject. No way Leech wins. He's used to not winning the big one though.

To Leech's defense (which he wasn't known for at Tech), if Adam is anything like his father, locking him in a shed probably was the right move.

Aren't these guys ugly enough?

2010-11-16T10:25:00.004-05:00

What could possibly make Kyle Singler and Nolan Smith uglier human beings? Oh, that's right....this. Somehow ESPN Magazine has coined these men "Motormouths." However, anyone that has tuned into the series "Training Days with the Duke Blue Devils" would beg to differ. At a team meal at Singler's apartment, there were approximately 7 words spoken by the entire team. However, when you have someone with such a dynamic personality as Coach K leading the way, of course these guys are going to be natural born performers!

PS, who exactly is the guy on the left. Maybe Kyrie Irving? Definitely not cover worthy.

I've Got A Good Feeling About This

2010-11-09T15:30:00.006-05:00

Well, you better have a good feeling. Guessing one letter then bypassing the chances to win hundreds, if not thousands of more dollars. Now, I don't claim to be a Wheel of Fortune expert. If I did, that would be incredibly lame. Who actually watches "Wheel of Fortune" anymore? The answer is old people and creeps who like to stare at the seemingly ageless Vanna White. Half of all viewership likely falls into both categories. Long story short, I did play countless games of W.O.F. on my Sega Nomad when I was a young boy (required 6 AA batteries to run the thing and gave you approximately 2 hours of gameplay....now that's technology). And from my video game experiences, I can tell you that there are only 2 Bankrupt spaces and 1 Lose a Turn on the wheel. It's all about risk reward. You've got to risk it to get the biscuit. So, next time you're on Wheel of Fortune Caitlin (which will be never), keep that in mind. And also please keep her away from me. I not only believe she can read minds, but also possesses frightening levels of pep.

Your Daily Dose of Swag. Courtesy of Anthony Fasano.

2010-11-08T20:12:00.005-05:00

Have a rough Monday at work? Let Anthony Fasano get your Sunday Swag level back up.

I hate the Lambeau Leap. How do guys get a 15 yard penalty for multiple person celebrations, yet the Packers can jump in the stands? Oh, I get it. The leap has kind of been "grandfathered in" since the Packers have been doing it forever. That's a totally legitimate reasoning for why it should be allowed. Keep in mind, James Harrison has been leading with his helmet forever. Does that make it okay? Bad things happen when players enter the stands...ask Ron Artest.

If you want to reach a Super Swag level heading into work, check out Kelly Washington's old school "Squirrel Dance." The title does not give this dance justice. Nor does it give Andrea Kramer's hair justice.

And now, in one corner, weighing in at 116 pounds...

2010-11-05T19:53:00.003-04:00

I always knew I liked Calvin Borel. Ever since he burst onto the scene by using his uncanny abilities to use a late race burst to capture victory, a star was born. Not so much due to his riding prowess, but rather due to the horseback interviews that endeared him as "that little man whose both talented and seemingly drunk" (fast forward to 3:30). His interview skills are a mix between "Kevin Garnett:Anything is Possible" and "Joe Namath: I wanna kiss you." Personally, I would die a happy man if Calvin adopted the Randy Moss approach and simply asking himself questions. A man with this much charisma, joy, and Jack Daniels running through his system doesn't need a journalist. All he needs is One Mic (thanks for the assist, Nas).

But, now this really solidifies Calvin as my favorite jockey. That, coupled with the fact that I don't know a single other jockey by name, proves what star power this 5'4 bundle of energy possesses. I can overlook the fact that in my second ever trip to the racetrack, I bet on Borel to win every race he participated in. He won only one. After what I had seen on TV over the year or two prior, I was operating under the impression he literally didn't lose. Pretty upsetting impression to have shattered with each drunken bet placing more hope in that feisty little man.

Regardless, it took three grown men to restrain a 116 pound man. His forehead vein could have served as a fuel pump at your local Exxon Mobil station. I would have loved to see what happened if Borel was unleashed onto that unprepared other jockey (I don't want to waste my brain space and look up his name only to forget it in 10 minutes). What would have undoubtedly unfolded would have been a pathetically entertaining fight, as two sub-120 pound men showed that they have clearly never been in a fight in their lives. Almost as if the UFC unveiled a Super Light Weight Embarrassing Division. Oh, who am I to judge? I've never been in a fight in my life.

But Mom, Kevin Was Mean To Me!!!!!

2010-11-03T20:51:00.007-04:00

Charlie Villanueva, who suffers from a rare disease known as Alopecia which prevents him from growing hair, posted the above comments on Twitter following Detroit's loss to Boston last night. After this story (as if Twitter insults should ever be a story) made headlines today, some entry level PR rep, I mean Kevin Garnett, issued this statement:

"My comment to Charlie Villanueva was in fact 'You are cancerous to your team and our league,'" Garnett said. "I would never be insensitive to the brave struggle that cancer patients endure. I have lost loved ones to this deadly disease and have a family member currently undergoing treatment. I would never say anything that distasteful. The game of life is far bigger than the game of basketball."

I'm all for Public Relations, but let's be real. Chalk this one up as a loss KG. You can't even make it through 90% of your postgame interviews without some sort of tourettes like outburst or cursing binge. ANYTHING IS POSSSIBLE! For me to believe that your on court trash talk was "You are cancerous to your team and our league" is just not something I can accept. To release a statement like this is a slap in the face to Americans and our intelligence.

On the other side of the coin, I'm not completely letting CV31 off the hook. First of all, I understand you just got your ass handed to you on a silver platter by the Celtics. But don't take out your frustrations on Twitter. You're embarrassing yourself and you look like a dog with his tail between his legs. I'm sure big bad Kevin Garnett hurt your feelings, but do you really expect us to believe that nobody has said something to you like that in your basketball career? You're a professional athlete. Embrace the challenges that come with it and at the end of the day, relax. You're making 80 times what I will in my lifetime for putting a ball in a hoop.

And, if things get really tough, you can always hit up @KingJames and ask him for advice for when people are mean to you!

Mike Brown's Glorious Return To Coaching: No Matter How You Look At It, It Sucks.

2010-10-29T16:02:00.005-04:00

I know what you're thinking. After watching Mike Brown coach for the past five seasons in Cleveland, you can only wonder who would ever allow this man to instruct any group of individuals on how to play a team sport again? NOT TO FEAR. He's only the assistant coach.

Following his firing by the Cavaliers in May in a last ditch effort to convince superstar turned American public enemy Lebron James to stay in Cleveland, Mike Brown picked up a gig helping out his son's middle school football team in Westlake, Ohio.

Says Brown, "I’m a glorified equipment guy who gets to chest bump and high-five the players. The kids still call me coach."

Now correct me if I'm wrong. But, how is this role any different than the one he took on in Cleveland? It was painfully obvious, especially come NBA playoff time that Brown was clueless on how to run a team and simply put his hopes and dreams in the hands of LBJ (not that he was different than anyone else living in Ohio in that way).

Brown also says that he would "love to coach again, the fire inside is still burning." However, Brown's best offer this offseason was as an assistant at St. Mary's College in California. Really? That's an outright slap in the face. Brown claims this is what he wanted to do as a chance to reconnect with his family and sons. But, let's think about this. If Lebron decided not to burn his hometown, his teammates, and his coach for South Beach with D-Wade and an alien (Chris Bosh), how much reconnecting would there have been? It's easy to frame your decision to say "I love my family" when only an Omar Samhan free St. Mary's wants you and Weslake Lee Middle School wants you. I'd really feel for Brown if he wasn't collecting five million dollars worth of Dan Gilbert's Comic Sans checks over the next five years. That kind of money allows for "reconnection".

Take a second to picture Brown's first day on the sidelines.
Player: "Coach, coach...what play should we run?"
Brown: "Just give the ball to Lebron. Uhh, I mean, just ask Lebron what to do. Uhhh, I mean, just run whatever you want."

Oh well. We've seen worse things happen. Like that movie with Ice Cube where he pretended to be a football coach too. Yeah, that was definitely worse.

While We're On The Topic of Awesome Commercials and Joe Montana...

2010-10-27T21:49:00.004-04:00

WARNING: Graphics may blow your mind.

Follow me, as we take a little trip down memory lane, Sega NFL '95's been here longer than anyone in the game. Literally, I remember playing NFL Quarterback Club '94, but that franchise couldn't last. It wasn't realistic enough. That's why NFL '95 (extra points for the creative name) so "they gave it to real teams, and real players." I can only imagine guys like Joe Montana and Jerry Rice being like, "Yup, you got it. THIS is what it's like to play in a real game. The 65 yard vision feature!!! New player trade ability!!! Are you serious? It can't get better than this."

You really have to appreciate the seamless transition from fake NFL action to virtual NFL action, where we see grown men morph into virtual Legos. Inevitably Joe's Lego line does a better job holding the rush, then his actual line (apparently the game did not include the 400 pound fat man yelling at Montana feature). Throw in a talking hot dog and you've got yourself a Grade A commercial.

Karl Malone wouldn't do that.

2010-10-27T14:12:00.003-04:00

Aren't Skechers lame enough? Please don't tarnish/disrespect my childhood memories by producing these cheesy commercials that make me believe my heroes like the Mailman or Joe Montana would ever let these shoes near their body. Malone grew up on a farm, bailing hay with his bare hands. He went to school at Lousiana Tech. He made an inadvertently hilarious work out video (6 to 8 reps. But he'll be doing 15-20), but at no point do I see Shape Ups on that man. It's just not feasible.

It's a great marketing campaign though. Clearly going viral (under 2000 views a week after it's introduction). Ouch. Maybe they should put the "T" back in their name where it belongs. It's probably affecting their YouTube search ability.

The Burning Questions

2010-10-25T22:18:00.003-04:00

The World Series starts up Wednesday night and the story lines are a plenty. Two championship starved franchises. Two aces ready to etch their names in history. And perhaps the biggest question in mind: is Brian Wilson for real? I can't decide whether I think he is cool or the weirdest guy in the MLB. I flip flop on the issue more than Brett Favre's retirement decision, but currently I'm leaning more towards thinking I hate him. He's one of those people that tries so hard to be "mainstream" that its annoying. I'm a sarcastic person, but his excessive sarcasm makes me feel bad that I'm sarcastic. So, basically, sorry.

Hey Jim...those Sun Chips only cost 90 cents. You think I can get my dime back?

2010-10-20T19:02:00.003-04:00

In my Human Resource Management course my junior year of college (I know you're jealous of that fascinating subject matter), our professor asked the class to name a list of historical leaders. Men like Barack Obama, Martin Luther King, and Abraham Lincoln were scooped up early, yet one frat bro in the back of the class blurted out "Bill Calhoun." Bill Calhoun. And by Bill Calhoun, he meant Jim Calhoun, a man who faced numerous NCAA violations this past season for recruiting malpractices.

I should have said it turned around to him and said it then but I didn't.

GET SOME FACTS AND COME BACK AND SEE ME!
GET SOME FACTS AND COME BACK AND SEE ME!

Calhoun declined further comment today regarding the violations stating that he wanted "to talk basketball." He did, however, admit to the media that he doesn't believe he's a cheater. Roughly 2500 calls and text messages with prospective recruits say otherwise. In related news, he had lunch with Tiger Woods this past weekend (another man who would never cheat).

Regardless, Calhoun is a funny man, made funnier by his New England accent, and funniest by his instant catch phrase "Not a dime back" that can be hilariously re-quoted in 95% of scenarios involving money. I have to give it to him, he truly does own the reporter wondering about his high salary. Outside of Bill, I mean Jim's rant, the highlight of the video is undoubtedly the reporters comment at 40 seconds, causing the room to turn on him faster than Josh Hamilton on a Boone Logan fastball.

That'll Learn Ya!

2010-10-18T15:43:00.004-04:00

Rough Sunday for the Bears. At least this happened. It was so painful to watch their long haired punter (Something Ryan, I don't care to know anything more about him) continuously chest bump Pete Carroll after each of his long punts. Get yourself together bro, you're a punter. You're supposed to kick the ball 50 yards every time. So let's please act like we've been there before. Regardless, the football gods have a way of working these things out and they did in the form of you flying 5 yards through the air as my man D-Hest housed yet another punt return touchdown. Moral of the story: Don't dance into traffic.

I like my Coffee LOADED.

2010-10-14T18:13:00.006-04:00

Glen Coffee, the 49ers third round pick in 2009 out of Alabama, recently retired from the NFL to pursue his religious convictions. He found Christ in college. And now, Florida State Police have also found something: Coffee (not Decaf), with a loaded pistol cocked and ready to roll in his glove center console. Personally, I carry my Ipod charger and an EZ Pass, but I'm a simple man. Coffee was quoted just weeks before as having said that "God told him to walk away from the game a long time ago." Well, yeah, everybody knows God wasn't much of a football fan. He prefers soccer. He probably wanted you to take your talents to the pitch. But, still, did God tell you driving around with loaded firearms while speeding around in an unregistered or insured car?

Simply put, Glen violated a basic principle for avoiding major trouble. You should only do one illegal thing at a time. For instance, speeding while insured, registered, and unarmed is excusable. Not having your insurance and carrying a cocked weapon (seriously bro, didn't Plax teach you anything?) while politely driving the speed limit will leave you with less public interest than the MLB Playoffs on TBS. But you never, I repeat never, commit multiple infractions at once. Just imagine if Eve ate from the tree of knowledge AND immediately after sued Adam for public indecency. That's just messed up. But then again, I wouldn't put it past Eve, had the tree of knowledge also informed her of the penal (no indecency pun intended) code of the modern world. This is the same woman that ate from the one tree, seriously there was one tree you weren't allowed to eat from and you still had to do it, that God warned her would kill her if she ate from. Then again, I know Taco Bell is going to kill me, and my intestines some day, but I still do it.

Quick Side Note: Here's my personal favorite Taco Bell commercial. Not because it's good. Because it's not. The protagonist is creepy, tremendously overacts, and has a terrible faded middle part haircut. I really like it because it makes me wonder. Where can I go to find this mystical Taco Bell which employs entirely perky, 18-25 year old Caucasian females? I went in to my local T.B. (Trenton, NJ) my senior year of college and asked my cashier if Denise was there. It was neither appreciated, nor understood.

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this, but here's my last point. Maybe God also told Glen "Iced" Coffee how badly the Niners were going to suck this year. The Primetime television heartbreaks, the Mike Singletary temper tantrums (here's a good Temper Trap song), and holding Frank Gore's helmet weren't worth it. Good looking out G.O.D. My God. What an awesome God.

I know how you feel my friend. I know.

2010-10-13T19:31:00.003-04:00

Poor little guy. He must have taken the obvious Survivor pool pick of the week (much like myself) in picking the Chargers to beat the Raiders in Oakland, thereby forfeiting the opportunity to win tens of thousands in the process. Oh wait, that was me. Regardless, this young man holds a near and dear spot in my heart, in a non creepy way. He's wearing the Bears t-shirt (so you KNOW he knows sports) and cheering a far superior team to victory.

Quick Side Note: I would just like to note that the Bears are 4-1, what what, after dismantling the Carolina Panthers behind the stellar play of Todd Collins (6 of 16 for 32 yards, 4 INTs). Counting yards lost on sacks, he netted the Bears (wait, can you say netted if it's a negative?), unnetted the Bears 13 yards.

Anyways, back to the spirited sports fan. It's not his fault his sister picked the Raiders to win. She clearly displays less intelligence than the Chilean president who hugged men who had been trapped two months underground in 90 degree temperatures. Who would have ever predicted that the Raiders would beat the Lightning Bolts for the first time since 2003 after losing 13 straight times? Who would have ever predicted that Jason Campbell would rise from a 3 week death (yes, that's seven times longer than Jesus himself) to resurrect his career and the Raiders chances of possibly winning 4 games this season? Who would have ever predicted the Chargers to fumble the ball on the Raiders' 1, 17, and 20 yard lines, the latest of which led to a 80 yard touchdown return to win the game. Umm....pick up the ball please?

The loss eliminated me from my weekly pick Survivor pool with a pot of over 30,000 dollars. To an unpaid intern who just graduated college that's the equivalent of literally being able to turn back the clock and become friends with Mark Zuckerberg in high school.

Worst Sunday of my life. Now that I think about it, I haven't had a very hard life.

The Celtics just want to do hood rat things with their friends.

2010-10-05T19:23:00.004-04:00

This video went viral fast. And for good reason. The one thing to really take away from this (other than how hilarious little Nate Robinson is and how much of a giant praying mantis Kevin Garnett is) is that the Celtics have slowly assembled a crew that can rival the U in the 80's. Tune in to the TD Banknorth Garden this season. Things are going to get frisky.

Please forgive the vulgar language. That's hip hop culture. Besides, "being bad is fun"- Latarian Milton.

A Night of Firsts and Regret (nothing to do with virginity, I promise)

2010-10-04T19:14:00.004-04:00

I want you to close your eyes. Wait, nevermind. Seriously.... open them. This description is pointless if your eyes aren't open. Okay, good. Picture, with your eyes open thereby allowing yourself to picture what I'm telling you to picture, yourself as a young boy. A young boy who learned his multiples of 7 by watching his favorite football team who won their only Super Bowl two years prior to his birth. A young man who watched his favorite team reach the Super Bowl on the right arm of the only QB worse than Trent Dilfer to lead his team to the big show. Now a full grown man, who finally, at 22 years of age was able to see his favorite team player live tackle football.

And after 22 years of heartache and dismay, why would it possibly change now? Last night, I was graced with the opportunity to see my Chicago Bears play live for the first time. I asked off work three months early, got my lucky Walter Payton shirt clean and ready, and embarked for a night of torture. 10 sacks allowed, less than a hundred yards of total offense, and 30 minutes of watching Todd Collins play quarterback was the reward I got

Not to mention, seeing "Golden Tooth" in the bathroom. For all those of you that don't read my blog regularly (emphasis on the all), G.T. was the basketball coach at TCNJ my sophomore season. While I had high hopes for the season, Tooth awarded me 6 games appearances totaling roughly 15 minutes of action. 10 minutes for an entire season. I calculated I put in about 32.33 hours of practice and weight room time per 1 minute of play. For obvious reasons, I hated the guy. How are you going to keep someone with this type of 3 point post up game on the pine?? Here's a quick play by play of our awkward bathroom encounter.

GT: "TOPPPPPPPPHHHHH" (across crowded bathroom)
Toph: "Coach [blank, how's it going man?" (Not excited in the least. At least I have some Bud Light liquid courage in my system. I shake his hand. I immediately regret shaking his hand realizing he didn't wash it in a public bathroom. Note to self, wash hand after discussion. Why is he standing so close to me? He still has bad breathe. I wonder if he's going to pull my hair like he did my sophomore year. That doesn't sound legal, does it?).
GT: How you been, TOPPPPPHHHH?
Toph: "Good man. Just trying to find that first j.o.b." (I wonder inside my head to this day why he insists on making a 4 letter name sound like a slow motion movie yell). How's [the school he is now an assistant at]?
GT: "It's great. They keep going to NCAA tournaments, so it's no big deal. I can't complain. You guys got us though, huh?"
Toph: Wow, nice. (Not nice, dude. You're not a head coach anymore and nobody likes somebody that self daps their accomplishments. Get some modesty my friend. And while we're self dapping, yeah, we did best you my senior year. No big deal. I started.)

And with that, it ended as abruptly as it happened. G.T. and I parted ways, both thinking in our heads what a tool the other party is.

Quick Side Note: Forgot to wash my hands.

Quick Side Note #2: Did have the awareness to immediately group text all former basketball teammates alerting them to keep their eyes open for a shining golden tooth in the vicinity.

Quick Side Note #3: To read more about G.T and/or receive tips on how to do things 50 percent but hard, click here. It won't disappoint.

Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State

2010-10-03T12:58:00.003-04:00

Check out that hair. Just not what you're expecting at all out of a physical specimen who leads the nation in touchdowns. I think we've finally found a body double for the Token Black Guy. That is all.

Dickie V must be drooling right now.

2010-09-30T20:13:00.010-04:00

It was such a fleeting headline today, you probably missed it. But, excuse me Tar Heel Nation, today we added another sworn enemy today. We need to band together now and meet the latest and greatest wimp that we'll love to hate. Coach K knew that he had a big shoes to fill after losing super tools Greg Paulus and Brian Zoubek in back to back seasons. And in typical Coach K fashion, he didn't disappoint. Here's how he reacted when he got the good news. Starting in 2011, it will be our god given duty to harass, make fun of, and hate the man pictured above. Let me tell you. Just on looks alone it's going to be difficult to find material regarding this giraffe necked beanpole. Austin Rivers, the son of former NBA player and current coach Doc Rivers, verbally committed to play for Coach K and his merry band of former player lackeys. It really is amazing to me though. For having so much money banked away from years of playing and coaching, Doc still somehow couldn't afford to buy his malnourished son some food. Oh well, at least he has a sweet Corey Matthews ("Boy Meets World" reference) hairdo. Straighten your head up son. You look like a dog who just got bribed with the word "treat."

You know, it's a tough call, but something tells me that Harrison Barnes might turn out to be the better pro. I don't know what could possibly give me that impression, probably just a hunch though. Perhaps his 6'7 frame and over 7 foot wing span. Perhaps the comparisons to a young Kevin Durant. Perhaps the fact that he'll be playing for a program that turns out successful professional athletes (not Josh McRoberts, JJ Redick, and Shavlik Randolph to name a few).

I guess we can't totally blame Austin for his misinformed decision to turn down the likes of Kansas, Kentucky, and North Carolina to play in an arena full of chanting, panted nerds. He is after all half white. That must have simplified his decision dramatically.

And that Duke is why you suck.

The New Run DMC

2010-09-24T21:07:00.001-04:00

The best running back nicknamed Run DMC since Darren McFadden, Chiefs rookie Dexter McCluster proves that having dread locks does not give you the ability to rap. Biggie and Tupac are rolling over in their graves somewhere. Maybe this is just some sort of sick rookie hazing, brought to us by CellularSouth. I'll definitely think of Dex next time I'm thinking of shooting off a barrage of SMS text messages while behind the wheel. And can somebody get him a jersey that at least looks semi authentic?

***Encountered this video on Sports Pickle today. If you're not following them on Twitter or reading their site, you're not really living.

Jets Off the Field Distraction #37

2010-09-24T20:53:00.004-04:00

Update: Fireman Ed Anzelone, super fan of the 1-1 New York Jets, now faces assault charges for his part in the New Meadowlands Stadium scuffle this preseason. Compounding that to the harassment of news reporter with a notoriously large buttocks and a star receiver blowing more B.A.C. than he did catches last year and it's been a tough start to the season for the Airplanes.

Original Story: If you're a fan of the NFL, you know that the New York Jets have notoriously brutal fans that tread a thin line between being merely terrible fans and being Philadelphia fans. This band of merry drunks and sexual predators typically have nothing to cheer for other than the Jets running the ball 60% of the time every time and consistently wearing the most boring and needlessly revived throwback uniforms in the league. Can we please go back to these? Now that's a jersey that people can actually respect, except replacing one terrible over-touted quarterback (Boomer Esiason) with another terrible over-touted quarterback (Mark Sanchez) wearing them. Uniform debates aside the one man that the Jets seem to band behind is the one they call "Fireman Ed." Here's my take on Fireman Ed. What exactly does he do? He wears a stupid fake fireman hat that most five year old's purchase when they're kid. Apparently Ed never get the memo that the burning desire (hehe) to be a fireman usually flares up (hehehe) and fizzles out (hehehehe) by the time you're 12. Thanks, but no thanks. In addition to wearing his fire hat, Ed's proved that he can come up with one of the most original chants of all time. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS. No syncopation. No crescendo. No nothing. Literally the most standard chant imaginable.

Quick Side Note: Do you ever notice how every kid wants to be an astronaut, a fireman, a doctor, a lawyer, or an athlete? These are five of the most unrealistic professions out there. Especially astronaut. Good luck bro. Better yet, good luck girls. There was only one Sally Ride, and you're not her.

Quicker Side Note: I asked one of my basketball campers last week what he wanted to be when he grew up. He told be in the basketball hall of fame or work in a coffee shop. It does take serious coffee making chops to be a barista...but seriously, where's the connection? That's like saying I want to be the President or homeless.

For obvious reasons, when I saw this video posted almost immediately after it happened, I was thrilled. I had laughed out loud at the courage and brass balls of drunken Amani "Well Dressed" Toomer to challenge the authority of Fireman Ed. Who dares such a thing? He's a fireman. You can't do that. He's a hero. Well, now Amani is a hero to underappreciated and underhyped fans nationwide ready to stand up against the tyranny of chanting boredom that Ed has cast over us for over a decade.

Observations that need to be pointed about this triumphant moment:

Does Fireman Ed have a rule that your barber is not allowed to correctly fade your haircut? Even Derek Jeter would be pissed at you for that fade. Oh well, at least you're not this guy.
How is Ed allowed to just throw this fan off his pedestal? Did he pay a 10,000 dollar Personal Seat License to that ledge? It's not called Jets Stadium Bro Namath. Move out out of the way and let Amani stake his claim. I'm not quick sure how these body blows are allowed. Security, please remove the angry old man who thinks he's important.
Check out the boy sitting on the aisle (with the thick eyebrows). His father gets very nervous at the escalating fight and attempts to strap him in like it's a ride at Disneyworld.
Ed is so mad after Amani Toomer leaves. Shake it off my friend. 80,000 idiots will still follow you in that chant 600 more times this season.
Anyone that says you can't make fun of Ed because he's a hero should not be allowed to be a sports fan any longer. I've never seen him doing any heroic. Therefore, his heroism is unproven. Therefore, it can't be respected.

The Worst Part of Social Media

2010-09-22T14:09:00.005-04:00

Thanks primarily to Mark Zuckerberg (who I learned today is color blind thanks to a fascinating CNN article about how he's color blind) social media has erupted across the globe as the 21st Century phenomenon that encompasses everyone from middle schoolers to Baby Boomers. However, there's one major problem with social media. Everybody has an opinion. And now everybody has an outlet through which to articulate their outlandish and often erroneous opinions. Sadly, the fact remains that most people probably don't deserve the right to spread their unfounded opinions to networks of unsuspecting people.

Exhibit 1-A: Favorite Team Induced Clouded Judgement
Point to Note: Bob Talbot (Talbot Talks Sports) is in fact a Giants fan, but is also a sarcastic realist.

For the most part, I can hold myself back from commenting sprees informing Facebook acquaintances exactly what I think of their statuses. Like sorority girls proclaiming how much they love their "littles." We get it, you girls spend thousands of dollars a year to have "friends" so you can attend mixers with sweet frat bros and spend 15 hours a week making each other arts and crafts. Or people that tell you how crazy their bar crawling weekend is going to be. It requires no skill. You just have to be 21 years old. However, when people start to "self dap" themselves, is when it's too much.

Self dap- verb- giving one's self far too much credit for a simple, mundane activity
Sentence: "Easy self dap, we all know you work out six days a week, you don't need to tell us."

The fact of the matter is my clearly less intelligent, less knowledgeable friend Zach decided to talk down to me, throwing around facts that everybody who watches Sportscenter once a week knows (granted, this is the same guy that calls himself the "Movie Maven"). Book it? Really? Book it? Superior Giants defense? The Giants get Kenny Phillips back from injury and all of a sudden they're better than the Colts? Here's an actual fact. The Colts have won 12 games or more for the last 7 seasons. In a nationally televised home opener where Peyton (the most competitive player in the NFL) was welcoming his whipping boy little brother to town, were we really supposed to believe Peyton would go to 0-2? If you're saying no, then you're a sensible human being.

I'm a good guy though. I don't need to excessively celebrate my victory and foresight in simply following what Bill Simmons calls the "Never bet against Peyton Manning in a primetime game" rule. I'd compare my celebration to that of "The Situation" when he brings home an intoxicated, likely fame hungry girl. Like Sitch, I don't celebrate the victory long or obnoxiously. But I definitely let you know that I got it in. Who am I kidding? I self dapped.

Exhibit 2-A:

Exhibit B: I wish I had an Exhibit B.

We love you, Bruno....Just the way you are!

2010-09-20T16:01:00.003-04:00

Is it just me or is this nowhere near what you envisioned Bruno Mars looking like? Since the age of music videos actually being popular is long gone, you never really know what your favorite artists look a like. When I saw Sean Kingston, it ruined it for me. Same goes for Lady Gaga. But my man Bruno, he looks like he should be collecting my toll money on the New Jersey Turnpike. Maybe taking my order at a Sonic on roller skates. Perhaps attending a Junior Seau fan club meeting. He's so sweaty and disheveled. But, then again, you would be too if you were just arrested in a bathroom with 2.6 grams of what TMZ called "Booger Sugar" at the Hard Rock Cafe in Los Angeles.

I love his smiling demeanor. When he smiles, the world stops and stares for a while. Literally, I'm looking at the happiest mug shot ever right now. Something tells me he had somewhere around 3.0 grams instead of 2.6 shortly before this photo was taken.

So any time he asks me if he looks okay, I'll see, "Bruno, when I see your face, there's not a single thing I'd change. You're amazing. Just the way you are."

He Just Wants to Rebel.

2010-09-17T13:42:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday everyone. Nothing but football and good times to look forward to for the next two days. Warning though. Avoid being "this guy" and/or being associated with "that guy" this weekend. Everybody else did.

Will We Challenge For the NBA Championship this year? Not likely. Will we in five years? Stll not likely.

2010-09-17T13:19:00.002-04:00

Timberwolves Full Page Ad Text

The time for talk is over

Okay, not quite. Right after this long-winded letter. Because we do have a lot of good things to talk about.

Fourteen months ago we laid out a plan: First, we would become a running team that plays an exciting up-tempo style of basketball. Second, we would get younger in order to build a team that could improve together and compete for a number of years. Third, we would instill a culture of hard work throughout our organization. Fourth, transparency. We’ll always let you know exactly what’s going on, occasionally via long-winded letters.

That was our plan over a year ago and it hasn’t changed one iota. In the off-season we added young, athletic wing players Wesley Johnson, Martell Webster and Lazar Hayward. They join Jonny Flynn, Corey Brewer and Wayne Ellington as guys who can get up and down the floor quickly and shoot the ball from the perimeter. We re-signed Darko Milicic and added Nikola Pekovic, giving us two more up-tempo big men to run with one of the best outlet passers in the game, Kevin Love. We took advantage of our cap room to acquire a potential star in Michael Beasley, who was the number one prospect in his high school class of 2007 and averaged 26 points and 12 rebounds in his one college season. And finally, we added Luke Ridnour, a push-the-pace player who becomes the team’s elder statesman at the age of 29.

We now have more shooting, athleticism and depth at every position, which will make us a better team this season. So will we challenge for the NBA championship this year?

Not likely.

Ouch. This honesty thing is a bit painful. But the reality is, we still need that one dominant player.

It’s possible that that player could already be on our roster. We have eight guys who were selected in the top seven picks of their respective drafts, and the average age of those players is 22. So the potential is there for someone to emerge. But in case that doesn’t happen, we’ll continue to manage our salary cap so that we have the flexibility to make that one move that can change a franchise.

We are confident, however, that this team will be exciting to watch. For the first time in years Wolves fans are going to feel like they’re missing out if they aren’t in the arena. So in addition to player development we’re working hard on fan development, starting with variable pricing and Flex Pack ticket packages that let you pick the games and seats that you want. The bottom line for fans is: We’re making it easier than ever for you to be part of our turnaround.

There’s been a lot of talk this off-season. The naysayers certainly have been vocal. And while we can understand a certain amount of skepticism, we know we’ve turned the corner. And we’re anxious to get after that first tipped ball so we can start to prove it.

Enough talk. It’s time to play.

Oh, wait. We forgot to talk about Rubio.

Next time.

I'm fully aware that this news story broke almost three days ago now. And, ironically, I was one of the first people prepared to blog about this complete self deprecation, until my computer stopped working for three days. Thankfully, it rose from the dead like a non-bearded, electronic Jesus. Over the last few days, I've had the opportunity to think about this marketing tactic. At first, I laughed. Then I read it again. I laughed again. Then I read it one final time and I started to think to myself that maybe their slightly more intelligent than I give them credit for (this of course being the team that drafted three PG's in the first round a year ago and have only one on their roster to show for it). This being the team that let Kevin Garnett, aka the Big Ticket aka the only reason fans ever came to the Target Center aka anything is possible to slip through their fingers. However, I do appreciate the T-Wolves attempt at transparency. Coming from a man that studied Corporate Social Responsibility extensively in college (not by choice), the first step to being a social responsible entity is establishing complete transparency to customers, employees, and citizens alike. Big ups to the Timberwolves for making fun of themselves.

However, highlighting the fact that your best player is one of the league's premier outlet passers probably isn't the best way to justify his skills. Highlighting the fact that you have 8 guys picked in the top seven of their draft just shows that you not only don't know how to pick your own lottery players, you also bring in the has beens and never will bes of other loser franchises (i.e. Dark Milicic for 20 million). Highlighting the fact that you were able to acquire another player in Michael Beasley that should have been a stud, if he didn't fall victim to nugget (and I'm not talking about Denver), is not a move that lights a fire in prospective ticket buyers.

But, still, big ups. I like it. If I go to Minnesota in the next decade, I'll check out a game.

Hi, I'm here to get famous for nothing.

2010-09-14T16:06:00.004-04:00

In even more OchoCinco news, the one who calls himself Esteban just posted this TwitPic and said "I've been playing ball for 10 years and I've never seen a female reporter dressed this way, respecting her is a must but enter our work environment the right way #damnshefinethough."

I've got to agree with Ocho in this case. The Jets should have stopped intentionally overthrowing receivers in practice, and worked on completing passes (see: Sanchez' 74 yard output if you don't believe me). Regardless, reporters shouldn't be showing up on the sidelines looking like they're ready for a night out in Miami. Can we get some Human Resources up in this building? Can't we all just respect the work environment? She's clearly simply trying to make herself famous by blowing this out of proportion. I predict an E! sitcom in the pipelines within the next few months. Follow the Kardashian model. Do nothing. Get famous. Make millions.

DJ Steve Porter Does It Again

2010-09-14T15:59:00.003-04:00

How in the world are you going to stop this duo? I don't know. Ask the New England Patriots. Yeah, I know, Ocho found the endzone in Week 1...once his Bengals were comfortably down three scores. This tandem, who also team up to headline VH1's predictably weak primetime schedule, would have been unstoppable circa 2005. I would have had my popcorn ready then. Now it's just burned and soggy from excess butter.

Around the Prison?

2010-09-13T22:43:00.003-04:00

Los Angeles city prosecutors have charged AOL Fanhouse sports columnist Jay Mariotti, a regular panelist on ESPN's Around The Horn, with seven misdemeanors in connection with a domestic disturbance last month involving his girlfriend, officials said Monday.

Charges include two counts of domestic violence with injury, two counts of domestic violence, one count of grand theft, one count of false imprisonment and one count of vandalism.

Mariotti is to be arraigned Friday at the downtown Los Angeles criminal courts building.

Mariotti originally was arrested on suspicion of felony domestic assault. He was released from jail on $50,000 bail. But the Los Angeles County district attorney's office said there was not enough evidence to charge him with a felony.

ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said, "We have no plans to use him [Mariotti] at this time."

In the past, he wrote a sports column for the Denver Post and the Chicago Sun-Times.

WHAT HAPPENED, JAY? First off, who would date Jay Mariotti? He's a top ten most annoying TV personality and is only tolerable due to his existence in a small quarter television sized box next to rambling drunk Woody Paige. Second off, WHAT HAPPENED, JAY? These seven charges are so random you can literally make the crime up in your head like "Inception." It's like Clue. Mariotti, with the false imprisonment, in the kitchen.

If I were the manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates (yeah, you're right, I would never do that to myself), I'd sign Sidney Crosby immediately.

2010-09-09T18:30:00.005-04:00

I'll give you ten dollars (actually, I won't because there is no way to prove the legitimacy of your answers), I'll say I'll give you ten dollars and then not, if you can name at least 1 of the Pirates top home run hitters off the top of your head. I'm assuming you thought for at least five seconds and then automatically decided there's a better chance of Lebron vacationing in Cleveland this summer. Here is, in no particular order other than ascending from least to most, their immortal professional sluggers.

3. Ryan Doumit- 12 HRs
2. Andrew McCutchen- 13 HRs
1. Garrett Jones- 20 HRs

I know what you're thinking. Damn, that Garrett Jones is having a monster year. But for anyone that knows anything about Gar-J, you'd know he had 21 HRs last season in roughly half the plate appearances. So, despite his inflated numbers, Jones is having a down season. Regardless, the Pirates record stands at 47-92 and sit in last place in the NL Central. They can't sell tickets. They might have to forfeit the franchise. Unless, they can find a spectacular talent that can save the team while creating a funny and entertaining motion picture. Yes, I might have just given you the plot for the 1993 baseball classic "Rookie of the Year." Excuse meeee, ladies....excuse me.

Here's the way I see it. Sign Sid the Kid. Throw him in the outfield. He can't mess up that bad. Sell some tickets and hope he doesn't make your franchise an even bigger laughing stock than it already is.

Quick Side Note: I anticipate Pirates management to see the midnight showing of "Moneyball: the Billy Beane story" when it hits theaters next year, just praying they might catch a tip on how to be a successful small market team.

Quicker Side Note (which is in all actuality the same length, maybe even longer): If you listen quietly, Sid's first hit is proclaimed as a double by the hitting coach and his second shot literally leaves the park. That makes him a 1.000 hitter who would, if statistical probabilities mean anything, probably hit about 482 HRs a year. Sign...him...up!

Is this kid really the biggest star in America right now? He looks like Ellen DeGeneres.

2010-09-09T17:45:00.004-04:00

BALTIMORE -- It seems teen sensation Justin Bieber had a bit of a run-in with Maryland state troopers before his sold-out concert Sunday at the Maryland State Fair.

A state police spokesperson said Bieber, while "horsing around with members of his staff," threw water balloons at two troopers, the 11 News I-Team's Jayne Miller reported. One of the balloons hit a trooper's gun belt and burst, and the other brushed a trooper on the chest but didn't burst, Miller reported. It happened outside a trailer Bieber was using before the concert. The troopers were there for crowd control.

No incident report was written by police. A state police spokesperson said it was "inappropriate behavior" by Bieber but said no further action would be taken by police.

It's rare that I choose to side with the police. After all, they've administered an unjust amount of speeding tickets on a relatively safe 22 year old driver, screamed at me repeatedly to keep it moving moments about arriving at a tailgate-free concert, and once rode my bumper so hard you would have thought it was a Chris Brown video. But, Justin Bieber makes himself so hard to root for.

Let's think about this logically. If I throw water balloons at two policemen, worst case scenario, I get tased. Best case, I get night stuck. Justin Bieber drills two guys that are protecting his vulnerable, underdeveloped self from getting gang tackled by a mob of 1000 brace faced girls and he gets off no problem. If I were the cops, I would have moved the guard rail to the side and politely allowed the hormone induced mob to literally and figuratively find "somebody to love."

I'm over the Bieber Fever. For those of you that are as well, I recommend 4 Advil, lots of fluids and rest, and never listening to Z100 or 92.3 (or the non NYC equivalents of these stations) ever again.

Ron Ar-Rested

2010-09-08T18:28:00.002-04:00

This past summer, Ron Artest has proved he can win championships, rap (well, kind of), and now finally that he can be one of the most ridiculous people in a city that specializes in unique characters. I'm at a loss for words. Here's a random thought, but that saying doesn't apply here because I'm typing. But, anyways, not much to say. Artest drives some sort of Mario Andretti Roadster around L.A. now. I guess that's cool? At least his helmet isn't lame.

And, can someone teach this police officer correct Roadster pullover protocol? You always approach the driver from the right side. That's how to be a cop 101.

Ethan Keyersling, 6'2 188, Kicker

2010-09-07T15:48:00.002-04:00

Ethan is sad. Probably because his team just lose to a team from Idaho. And because he's a second string kicker who gets gets carded when he goes to R rated movies. Better luck next time Hokies!